Laugh Out Loud

Jokes!

A man and a woman were having dinner in a fine restaurant. Their waitress, taking another order at a table a few paces away noticed that the man was slowly sliding down his chair and under the table, with the woman acting unconcerned. The waitress watched as the man slid all the way down his chair and out of sight under the table. Still, the woman dining across from him appeared calm and unruffled, apparently unaware that her dining companion had disappeared.

After the waitress finished taking the order, she came over to the table and said to the woman, "Pardon me, ma'am, but I think your husband just slid under the table."

The woman calmly looked up at her and replied firmly, "No he didn't. He just walked in the door."

Redneck Computer Terminology

Log on: Makin' the wood stove hotter
Log off: Don't add wood
Monitor: Keep an eye on the wood stove
Download: Gettin' the firewood off the pickup
Floppy Disk: What you get from pilin' too much wood
Hard Drive: Gettin' home during mud season
Chip: What to eat with your sandwich
Micro Chip: What's left in the bag when the chips are gone
Dot matrix: Farmer Matrix's wife
Lap top: Where little kids feel comfy
Keyboard: Where you hang yer keys
Software: Them plastic eatin' utensils
Web Sites: Where yer mother should concentrate her dusting
Site location: Where you left yer glasses
Port: That fancy wine Aunt Betsy serves
Mega Hertz: When you're not careful downloading (watch the toes!)
RAM: The hydraulic thingy that makes the woodsplitter work.
Prompt: What you wish the mail was in mud season.
Windows: What to shut when it's 30 below.
Byte: What Black Flies do.
Screen: What you need for black fly season.
Infrared: Where the leftovers go when Fred's around.
Modem: What you did to the hay fields.
Mouse: What eats the horses' grain in the barn.
Main Frame: The part of the barn that holds the roof up.
Enter: C'mon in!
Random Access Memory: What you've got when the wife asks you how much you spent on that new rifle.

A boy decided he was going to rake leaves to make some money. A short time later he came to his father with $100 he wanted to put in the bank. His father was pleasantly surprised.

"You raked a lot of leaves, son"

"just one, Dad," said the boy. "and there dog bit me."

"A lot of people complain about their dumb boss. What they don't realize is that they'd be out of a job if there dumb boss were any smarter"

Toddler Property Laws:

1. If I like it, it's mine.
2. If it's in my hand, it's mine.
3. If I can take it from you, it's mine.
4. If I had it a little while ago, it's mine.
5. If it's mine, it must never appear to be yours in any way.
6. If I'm doing or building something, all the pieces are mine.
7. If it looks just like mine, it's mine.
8. If I think it's mine, it's mine.
9. If it's yours and I steal it, it's mine.
10. If I ... Whoops! Sorry! I goofed! Instead of reading the Toddler Property Laws, I've been reading Microsoft's Business Plan.

A guy came into a bar one day and said to the barman "Give me six double vodkas."

The barman says "Wow! you must have had one heck of a day."

"Yes, I've just found out my older brother is gay."

The next day the same guy came into the bar and asked for the same drinks.

When the bartender asked what the problem was today the answer came back, "I've just found out that my younger brother is gay too!"

On the third day the guy came into the bar and ordered another six double vodkas.

The bartender said "Holy Smokes! Doesn't anybody in your family like women?"

"Yeah, my wife...

Divorce Lawyer: "I have succeeded in making a settlement with your husband that's completely fair to both of you."

Client: "Fair to both of us! I could have done that myself. Why do you think I hired a lawyer?"

"We call our three childeren Eenie, Meenie and Miney, and we don't expect no Mo."

"I'm so depressed and I can't find any dates," the 300-pound man told his minister. "I've tried everything to loose weight."

"I think I can help," said the minister. "Be dressed and ready to go tomorrow at 8 a.m."

Next morning, a beautiful woman in a skintight exercise suit knocked on the man's door. "If you can catch me, you can have me," she said, as she took off. He huffed and puffed after her.

This routine went on every day for the next five months. The man lost 115 pounds and felt confident that he would catch the woman the next day. That morning he wipped open his front door and found a 300-pound woman in a jogging suit waiting for him. "The minister said to tell you," she began, "that if I can catch you, I can have you."

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