A visit to one's parents during a holiday is often the battleground for these skirmishes. "You're coming home alone, aren't you?" from a parent is not so much a question as it is a command, which usually means "Don't bring that bastard into my house!" Some gay men need their parents' approval so badly that they leave their lovers home. A different kind of gay man will say, "We're a couple, and we go places together. If that's not satisfactory, we won't visit you. Think it over and call me when you've decided what you want." Some gays find it helpful to invite recalcitrant parents to visit and meet a lover.
Often the difficulty comes from only one parent. Try to avoid playing one of them off the other, although naturally you'll want to enlist as much support as possible in helping you win acceptance from the recalcitrant parent. In some cases it's a sibling who reveals unsuspected depths of prejudice. this must be confronted. don't worry that one or both parents will be so shocked that they will have a heart attack. That's an absurd notion. Your homosexuality cannot kill anyone. Even though it's anxiety-provoking, coming out to parents has its rewards. Not coming out to them cheats you out of that support.
In the past decade, AIDS or one's HIV status has increased the pressure on gay men to divulge their homosexuality to their parents. A seropositive gay man may no longer want to hide his life-style, because he hears a clock ticking. There are also gay men who have come out to their parents only after being diagnosed with HIV Disease. The most conflict-laden scene occurs when a gay man lying mortally ill in a hospital tells his parents he is gay and simultaneously that he has contracted AIDS. This is a classic double whammy. As a son, recognize how difficult this will be for your parents to absorb, and help them by directing them to friends, social workers, or medical staff who can answer many of the questions they're sure to have.
The HIV crisis has confirmed what we know about parents and their capacity for love. The majority of parents respond with compassion for their sons. They support their sons emotionally, financially, and physically. So do siblings. These parents have also recognized the value of their sons' lovers and friends, who share the burden of caring for the ill son, cooking, washing, and crying with him. In these cases, parents, lovers, and friends also provide important support for each other.
Unfortunately, not all parents are loving people. In fact, a shocking number of them have turned out to be selfish and narcissistic in their reaction to the AIDS crisis. "How could he have done this to me? is a typical comment from such a parent. They totally abandon their sons. They refuse to visit sons who are dying; they refuse to phone or to write. Frantic calls from the son's lover or from other family members are ignored. If a sick son wants to visit them they refuse to see him.
After the son's death, these selfish parents swoop down and steal his body without informing the son's lover or friends, the very people who cared for him throughout his illness. They dispose of it in a private ceremony, so that they won't be embarrassed by a funeral. They certainly don't attend the memorial services held by the lover or the friends of the deceased. Often, their final revenge on their son for his homosexuality is to violate the terms of his will.
The HIV crisis has not created these monsters; they were there all the time. But AIDS had forced us to rethink our relationship to our parents. We are reminded that some parents do not love their children and possibly never loved them or anyone else, for that matter.
Some gay sons should not come out to their parents ever; they should refuse to have anything to do with them. This is not said lightly. Gay men who come from spiteful families must (and doubtless will) seek support and love elsewhere, because in their cases, love never has and never will come from their parents. It's hard enough to give up parents when they die; oddly, it appears to be even more painful emotionally to give up unloving parents. Perhaps it's terrifying to realize that you were right about them all the time....
