After the waitress finished taking the order, she came over to the table and said to the woman, "Pardon me, ma'am, but I think your husband just slid under the table."
The woman calmly looked up at her and replied firmly, "No he didn't. He just walked in the door."
Log on: Makin' the wood stove hotter
Log off: Don't add wood
Monitor: Keep an eye on the wood stove
Download: Gettin' the firewood off the pickup
Floppy Disk: What you get from pilin' too much wood
Hard Drive: Gettin' home during mud season
Chip: What to eat with your sandwich
Micro Chip: What's left in the bag when the chips are gone
Dot matrix: Farmer Matrix's wife
Lap top: Where little kids feel comfy
Keyboard: Where you hang yer keys
Software: Them plastic eatin' utensils
Web Sites: Where yer mother should concentrate her dusting
Site location: Where you left yer glasses
Port: That fancy wine Aunt Betsy serves
Mega Hertz: When you're not careful downloading (watch the toes!)
RAM: The hydraulic thingy that makes the woodsplitter work.
Prompt: What you wish the mail was in mud season.
Windows: What to shut when it's 30 below.
Byte: What Black Flies do.
Screen: What you need for black fly season.
Infrared: Where the leftovers go when Fred's around.
Modem: What you did to the hay fields.
Mouse: What eats the horses' grain in the barn.
Main Frame: The part of the barn that holds the roof up.
Enter: C'mon in!
Random Access Memory: What you've got when the wife asks you how much you spent on that new rifle.
"You raked a lot of leaves, son"
"just one, Dad," said the boy. "and there dog bit me."
1. If I like it, it's mine.
2. If it's in my hand, it's mine.
3. If I can take it from you, it's mine.
4. If I had it a little while ago, it's mine.
5. If it's mine, it must never appear to be yours in any way.
6. If I'm doing or building something, all the pieces are mine.
7. If it looks just like mine, it's mine.
8. If I think it's mine, it's mine.
9. If it's yours and I steal it, it's mine.
10. If I ... Whoops! Sorry! I goofed! Instead of reading the Toddler Property Laws, I've been reading Microsoft's Business Plan.
The barman says "Wow! you must have had one heck of a day."
"Yes, I've just found out my older brother is gay."
The next day the same guy came into the bar and asked for the same drinks.
When the bartender asked what the problem was today the answer came back, "I've just found out that my younger brother is gay too!"
On the third day the guy came into the bar and ordered another six double vodkas.
The bartender said "Holy Smokes! Doesn't anybody in your family like women?"
"Yeah, my wife...
Client: "Fair to both of us! I could have done that myself. Why do you think I hired a lawyer?"
"I think I can help," said the minister. "Be dressed and ready to go tomorrow at 8 a.m."
Next morning, a beautiful woman in a skintight exercise suit knocked on the man's door. "If you can catch me, you can have me," she said, as she took off. He huffed and puffed after her.
This routine went on every day for the next five months. The man lost 115 pounds and felt confident that he would catch the woman the next day. That morning he wipped open his front door and found a 300-pound woman in a jogging suit waiting for him. "The minister said to tell you," she began, "that if I can catch you, I can have you."
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