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1997 - October to New Years Eve

By brother is gone, he left for boot camp in Texas. The bosses son left for California, and so have most of the tourists. No more diversions. It's just me again. Just me.
The day after he left I went to his house (my moms house) to get the rest of my stuff I had down there. I found my Gameboy game he told Grandma he lost, it was right where it was back on June 7th when I wrote him the last letter. I couldn't find my STAR WARS game cards though. When they first came out I told him to let me buy them and I would let him use half until we didn't want to play the game anymore and I would put together a complete set and sell off the others. He of course complained, but let me anyway.
I put well over $500 into them, with half used by him and half used by me. Well, we aren't playing it anymore, so I requested them back several times (left him notes, or sent notes with others). He claimed he didn't know where they were. There was a bag in the living room with a note on it to sent with our sister so she could give it to dad to take to my brother when he goes to graduation from boot camp. So I wrote a letter telling my brother I want the cards back so I can sell them and get money to help me move to the town we were going to move to so I can go to college starting in January. I went to put the letter in his bag, and lo-and-behold, there were two decks of my cards sitting right inside. All ready to go to Texas.
When I bought the cards you could sell them for less than 10 cents a piece, now they are each worth over a dollar, some as much as $75. Were talking $2500 worth of cards at least. So I've recovered about $200 worth of the cards, along with several of the more expensive ones. I left him a new note saying I want the rest or the $200 I put into them originally and since I was pissed I gave him until Christmas (the next time he will be back in town) to cough it up or I'll erase everything on his hard drive (sounds cruel, but he erased everything I had on his computer (were talking hours and hours of work here) when he stopped talking to me). I wouldn't doubt if he gave the rest of them to out step-cousin (the one who lost his ticket) so he would have someone to play them with.

Thanksgiving? Nothing to be thankful for, thanks anyway.

I gave up on trying to save enough money to move and go to college so soon. I bought me a cheap computer at WALMART instead. I had forgotten how much I used the computer till it was gone. I had been using my mom's (she bought it for my brother to use at college. Oops!), she even promised it to me when he decided to go into the military, but quickly changed her mind stating that she liked solitaire too much.

December 7th - Troy
So I checked my E-mail like usual and found a message from the "E-mail Robot" stating that "Men On The Net" (a gay oriented web-site directory) had been updated. I visited one of the "new" pages and found a nice sight with a gallery of Ryan Philippe pictures. Well on the main menu page it listed a personal page and decided I would maybe drop this guy Troy a line thanking him for the Ryan gallery.
To my surprise Troy was really kinda cute. I thought "I wonder if he has a boyfriend", but the page didn't say, so I left that page and went back to the main menu where I noticed that he had an on-line Journal. I figured that might say if he is attached or not. Well, right off the bat he said he wasn't gay, but I was intrigued to find out why some straight kid would have a gay page, and needing some faith in straight people I read on.
Right off the bat he seemed like a nice guy and quite smart for someone his age. Reminded me of myself with a little of my brother mixed in.
In one entry he thinks that he may be Bi, he even asked the question "How do you know if you're gay?", and then later he decided he was definitely straight. So I gave up (it was about 3 A. M. (My self enforced bed time) and I was ready for bed), and I did what I usually do when I read a book that starts to annoy me and I decide not to finish the story, I skip to the last page. The first words of the entry on the last page were something about him coming out to his mom! Somewhere in the 6 months or so I skipped he realized he was Bisexual.
I went to bed and lay there for a few hours, my mind reeling with questions about what was in the months I skipped and even a few questions for him. I got about 2 or 3 hours sleep, finally, and then got up and finished reading the months I skipped and got caught up to date.
I wrote him a nice letter, and got a short response back a few days later. I wrote him a few other times since then and I've kind of developed a slight crush on him. It's probably just because he is the only other "not straight" (as he puts it) person I've communicated with about being gay. It helped me not feel so alone though, and pushed the depression back a bit.

Christmas to the years-end
Spent Christmas Eve at relatives I'm not crazy about, spent Christmas day returning from there house. They really only invited Grandma, but guess who had to drive her. Me! They all wanted to know how my brother was, then they wanted to know why he wasn't talking to me, "You guys were so close." *insert story here leaving out me being gay* This was the first Christmas without my mom or my brother. It didn't even feel like a holiday at all.
I saw my mom two days later when she came to get grandma to take her down to see my brother. All she said to me was "Oh, forgot to bring your present". Gee, thanks, needed that.

My brother decided to take his girlfriend out for dinner on the 28th. Guess where he took her. Yep, to the restaurant were I work. On a night I was working (actually I'm the only dishwasher for the month of December). Everyone wanted to tell me the funny things he said. I just wanted to crawl in a hole and never come out. I was about to start crying, when one of the cooks came back, big grin on his face. "I spit in you brothers food for you." I don't know if he did or not, he was probably just trying to make me feel better. It worked a little.

New Years Eve
193 dinners. Moron for a helper. He kept telling me to hurry up so he could go home. It worked I sent him home an hour before I got done (at 10 minutes til 98). The bartender invited everyone to his house for drinks after work. I just wanted to go home and go to bed. End the year appropriately.
Depression is back and almost in full swing. I catch suicide creeping back into my thoughts. It scares me to think that way.

My New Year's resolution? Get someone from my life that I can talk to about everything before the end of January.
I hate to think about the consequences of telling grandma. When something bothers her she usually worries about it until she gets sick. At 84 she doesn't have many more sick days left. I almost told her the night we went to see "In & Out", but before the words came out, she mentioned she didn't like the way "they" all go after little boys. I quickly corrected her letting her know that that wasn't true. 90% of child molesters are straight. Kind of blew the moment, although the fact that my brother and I were such good friends and he didn't know I was gay attests to the fact I'm not a child molester. Of course I cant have her "just ask him", cause I'm not sure the truth comes out of his mouth anymore.
The next person on "the list" would be my ex-girlfriend from high school who I've known since 7th grade. She just got divorced from an abusive relationship and I know she still has the hots for me. Probably because I treat her like a human being. Not something she seems to get a lot of. You can see the problems there.
The only other person on "the list" is the guy who has been my friend since 2nd grade. We lost contact a few years back and just a few weeks ago I got his E-mail address. I think he could probably handle it, but it's been a few years since I talked to him, and his E-mails seem to mention God a lot. What if he's gone religious on me?

Other than those three and my dad, I don't care who else knows I'm gay. If the cousins cant handle it then I guess they just wont come around anymore.

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