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Current Entries - September 7th+

Monday, September 7th
So I freaked. It's been 15 years since I was in love last, and he was straight and not my type. I didn't want this opportunity to pass by without the guy even knowing I was interested in him. I don't want to wait another 15 years. And I've never meet anyone so right. Now I know what they mean by "Coming on to strong." That's what I did to Michael.

"If I was really perfect, then the feelings would be mutual."

I feel like Life's a cat and I'm the mouse it's playing with before it kills me.

Michael keeps wavering back and forth between not knowing if he has any feelings for me, and sure that he doesn't. I'm trying to talk him into it, and he's trying to talk me out of it. As more time slips between the days we spent together, I get the feeling he's winning. We're going to get together again, don't know when, but I wish it were now. I look at that Sunday morning and wonder if everyone is right. Is our friendship going to be different now?

I'm not doing well slipping the new Scott back into the old Scott's life. It doesn't seem to fit quite right.
I feel like I'm looking at this life of mine for the first time. Only this time it's like through foggy glasses. Things feel / look / are dull, lifeless, one dimensional. I can't believe I actually put up with this life for the last 11 years.
I get up and literally have to pep talk myself out of bed. I go sit at the ocean before work where I used to read for 5 minutes, but my mind wanders to much (mostly to Michael or our weekend) so reading is out, so I stare at the ocean. It's dark, foreboding. Just a pool of water.
At work, I don't like anyone I work with (except S and maybe two others). The job is boring and painful. I cant believe I put up with the pain all these years.
The net? Well any contact with Michael makes me wish to hear his voice. On the phone, I want to be in the same room with him. I have no desire to write in my journal or to read others.

I'm not really depressed, but I'm not happy. More bewildered I guess.

S and knowing I get more time with Michael eventually, are the only things keeping me motivated these days.

Speaking of S, she's out to her folks. Yep, on Saturday her and her mother had a talk. Seems there both Bi. And I let S tell her parents. Now they don't have to be so worried about my motivations toward her. And while me and my mother were having a 4 hour talk about my weekend she finally let me know that she told me aunt (the one I went to California with a few weeks back) that I was gay about a year ago. *rolls eyes* Now she tells me. Oh, and I came out to the other two people at work that I wanted to. I don't think one of them quite got it yet, but he will eventually.

Tuesday, September 8th
I should have stayed in bed yesterday. Actually the day ended nicely, but I was weird through out he day. I woke up thinking about what fun Michael and I could have if we were a couple. Big mistake. Got me depressed and a little grouchy. S snapped me out of that though before we got off work. Good thing I have her around. I feel sorry for her this last week though, and Michael too for that matter. I've been a wreck. Maybe it's a good thing Love only comes my way every decade and a half. :)

Next weekend by brother meets this girl he met on the net. Isn't that cute? :)

Saturday, September 12th

Coming Around Again / Itsy Bitsy Spider
By Carly Simon

Baby sneezes,
Mommy pleases,
Daddy breezes in.

So good on paper,
So romantic,
But so bewildering.

I know nothing stays the same,
But if your willing to play the game,
Its coming around again.

So don't mind if I fall apart,
There's more room in a broken heart.

Pay the grocer,
You fix the toaster,
Kiss the host good-bye.

And you break a window,
Burn the souffle,
Scream a lullaby.

I know nothing stays the same,
But if your willing to play the game,
Its coming around again.

So don't mind if I fall apart,
There's more room in a broken heart.

And I believe in love,
But what else can you do,
I'm so in love with you.

I know nothing stays the same,
But if your willing to play the game,
It will be coming around again.

The Itsy Bitsy spider,
Climbed up the water spout,
Down comes the rain,
And washed the spider out,
Out comes the sun,
And dried up all the rain,
And the Itsy Bitsy spider,
Climbed up the spout again.

I believed in love,
Now who knows where or when,
But its coming around again.

That songs been waking me up for the last few days (I set it as my alarm music). You'd think I would be more optimistic waking up to that, but I'm still not. Sure Michael and I are still friends. Thank the maker. But friendship is different than Love.
S and I were talking last night (okay, at 5 AM this morning) about how I came on to strong when I got home from Michael's house. My theory for why I did it was that I had a clingy relationship (we're talking major co-dependancy here) with my brother, and I almost slipped back into that pattern with Michael. Wanting that same kind of relationship with him. But for the last year, I've been literally forced to spend time alone. Do things alone. Be alone.
Then S came along. Fresh from a clingy relationship of her own (coincidentally one that ended at about the same time as my relationship with my brother crumbled (who has the same first name as her ex-boyfriend BTW)). Her first reaction was to cling to me, but she caught herself and backed off too since she's been rather independent this last year also, she saw the warning signs.
Then throw in Michael and his relationship with F_____ and it sounds like the three of us are all familiar with the pattern. But that part is just speculation on my part.

Just a thought that's been walking around in my head. Thought I'd share, for no good reason what-so-ever.

Speaking of S. She's taken an interest in Josh155's journal. I read some of Michael's journal to her, and then she started reading Josh's over my shoulder and is hooked now. Her and Josh have several things in common. Love books, are my friend, etc. Last night, they ICQed for a little bit (about an hour I think). :) I think she finally gets why I spend time on the computer now that she has a friend on-line too. It's cool. The lines between On and Off-line are blurred a little more each day.

After her talk with Josh, I took her home, (that's when we had the discussion about clingy relationships) and when we got to her parking lot and sat there talking like we usually do. All of a sudden, I got this overwhelming feeling. Missing Michael. Out of nowhere. Eyes started watering. We weren't even talking about him. And here I've been doing so well for the last few days. Oy! Love sucks when it's only one sided. :.(

But I'm fine today. *giggle* So far. :)

BTW, I posted the second half of the "Mickey Weekend" entry.

Monday, September 14th - Links
Just wanted to mention that I added Corey's Journal to the "Links to Somewhere" page today. Nice guy. Josh155 hooked us up on ICQ 'cause were both into STAR WARS.
Oh, and I joined a "Gay Diary Webring" (as you've probably already noticed).

Tuesday, September 15th
Slowly the new Scott adjusts to the old Scott's life. I can feel the old life starting to fit like a glove again. Comfort is sneaking back in. Old habits returning. Old patterns welcomed like old friends.

I wrote my brother the other day. Mostly a letter of questions. Nothing major, just about some CD's he wanted me to track down for him and stuff. But he has to answer it if he wants the CD's. :)
I still haven't heard about my brothers weekend with the girl he met on the net yet. I go to moms Thursday night to watch TITANIC with her, so I should hear then.

S and I have two days off each week at the same time. We used to have just one. Should be interesting. Grandma requires one of my days off to go shopping and a movie. S gets one day too. And now my mother has requested Thursdays for Video and dinner night. I'm quite the popular guy. :)
So popular, I only get one day off from work this week. I'm working a party this morning, and then I work for my helper tomorrow night. The I get one day off, and then back for my regular 4 day work week. Ugh! Why do I volunteer for these things?

Since I got back from Michael's, grandma knows something's up. She increased her baking 3 fold. And the other day she asked me if I was worried or upset about something. Funny. I figured I had hidden it real good. Doesn't surprise me though. I don't hid my emotions well. Never have. Mom accused me of being the kid in the family that hid how I was feeling the most. I laughed. I said that I only hid them from her cause she always laughed at my feelings or dismissed them telling me how I should feel instead. But I always got to talk about my feelings. Just with my friend, not her.

If I could change the world,
I would be the sunshine in your universe.
You would think my love was really something good,
Baby, if I could change the world.

So how am I doing? Good. Michael and I have been ICQing quite a bit since I got back. It's nice to be able to talk to him. Even if it is just written word. I'd love to hear his voice again though. *G* And I've got this craving to play with his chest hair some more. :)
*giggle* And I've never been this horney in my life as I am since I got back form his place. Oy!

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