September 1999

Monday, September 27th
     So what do they call it when someone develops a fear of sleep. Actually it's not the sleep that I don't want, it's the dreams.

     Grandma has been appearing in my dreams a lot lately. They aren't spooky dreams by any means, but they remind me how much I miss her, not that I actually need reminding of that as so much of my life reminds me that she's gone from it.

     In the last week I've woken up several times crying from the dreams, and I've started to dread even going to sleep. And when I do sleep and I wake up from one of the dreams it's real hard to go back to sleep afterwards.

     Some of the dreams have had my brother in them too. Those dreams usually have something to do with the fact that I've lost Grandma and I've lost my brother in something to do with the military. But then I've been having dreams about losing my brother since the thing with him happened. I thought I was about over those, but losing grandma seems to have reawakened them again and added to them.

     I hate to say this, but one dream included the lost of my brother and grandma, and added a new fear to my list... Losing Corey. Losing him to cancer caused by those cigarettes of his.

     That dream really scared me.