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Current Entries - August 13th+

August 32nd
Sorry about the delay. I've been doing a lot of thinking these last few days, and part of my dilemma was that I was thinking of closing my journal.

"I think there is a value for you to keep your journal going. You DON'T HAVE to describe the weekend... but the weekend is influencing your life to some respect and I think you should journal that along with your daily life... your conversations with S.... your continuing relationship with your brother... etc."

So maybe there is stuff I want to do here still. I'll give it a try. I'm just different now. I'm not sure how, but I am.

The Mickey Weekend
First off I didn't think they would let me over the border into Canada because I didn't have a Canadian Insurance Card which I didn't know I needed to have until I got an e-mail from Bruce just before I left the house that morning at 5:45 AM. I did try to find an Allstate along the way, but every address I had for them were wrong. So I said "Fuck it" and decided to pray they wouldn't ask and that nothing would go wrong while I was there.
At the border, they asked the standard questions, but when I said I was going to see a friend I met on the net, I could see a little warning light turn on in the border guards head. So I had to pull up to the first station, and go to customs, who took me ID and told me to go to Immigration. At Immigration they told me they were going to search my car and pockets, and that if they find anything they would strip search me. Well I didn't figure it would come to that, after all I'm not the child pornographer they were hoping I was. See I was going to Canada to meet a person, which they decided was a minor cause a 23 year old wouldn't go by the name Mickey, and I had a box of chocolates and a Disney Video in my trunk. That and I had to much cash with me. Well after about 45 minutes to and hour, they finally called Michael (asked him "If I was expecting a visitor? From Oregon? Who was I? How did I know you? How old was I? Apparently they were satisfied with my answers...") and everything checked out and I was allowed to go. During my time at the border I got to talk to a nice Canadian guy with an Australian accent who had decided that this was the last time he was going to tell the truth at the border. :)

So off I went to Michael's house. Found it, no prob. Knocked on the door, he opened the door, I glanced into his beautiful golden eyes and I forgot my line. *giggle* I had planned to say "Prince Charming I presume" which is a line from the Avengers movie I saw last week, but I was so caught off guard by Michael that I forgot how to talk momentarily.
We got the car parked in an appropriate place and went into his house. I was a little giggly for the first half hour or so, but then it was like old friends. I gave him the box of Chocolates I got in Eugene last week cause he listed on his About Me page that they were his favorites, and he gave me a hug (it was a friend hug though, not that exciting, but it was contact, so who's complaining. *G*). We decided to go for a walk, he knew a cool place he wanted to show me, so we went to this cool little fishing village that was over a hundred years old, and was still inhabited, and walked for a little bit picking Blackberries and talking. It was all very comfortable and fun too. He's so interesting, and I did tell him a few of my stories (I tried to leave out any that involved me and my brother, cause that was the last thing I wanted to think about). At one point we were sitting by the river and when we got up to go walk some more I offered him a hand up from the rocks we were sitting on, but I don't know if he saw me offer it ornot casue he didn't use it. So much for me showing off being a gentleman. :)
Afterwards we went back to his house and I gave him a quick back rub (couldn't find a knot on the guy's back at all), then while we listened to some of his CD's, he warmed up dinner (which was very good, and I don't usually like cooked carrots, but he had a very good gravy on them and they were quite good).
After going on-line and teasing a few of our friends about the fact that I was on his bed, we headed out to the movie "54". Well, it seems we kept turning to soon so we kept missing the theater. Not a big deal as far as I'm concerned, I don't mind getting lost, in fact I find it fun (probably cause I'm bad at following people's directions, and spend a lot of time exploring because of it). Well I finally asked Michael, as it got close to time for the movie, if he was going to be a typical male, or if we could stop and get directions. He agreed to get directions (*G* which gets you more points than you loose for getting lost BTW), and it turns out we were just a few blocks from the theater. Once inside and sitting down, he was still mumbling about getting us lost, and I patted him on the leg and told him that "We made it didn't we?" Well at the touch of my hand, he flinched! Oops, I thought. Well I'll just lay off the physical contact then.
After the movie (which could have used a plot, but watching Ryan Phillippe go shirtless through the whole thing was worth the price of admission), we went back to his place and I dozed a little while we watched "Highlander". Then he asked me where I was going to sleep, and I said "I'll try the couch". He got me a blanket and he went to bed. I was out like a light in no time at all. I woke up about 2 am and shortly there after, he got on-line and made an entry in his journal stating that there was "Zilch" romantic possibility for this weekend. *giggle*

So the next day we headed down town to the shopping area. Meandered through a few stores, and a nice mall, the to Subway for lunch. After lunch we re-parked the car so we could go to a movie. "Billy's Hollywood Screen Kiss". Good movie. We both agreed that there should be some mainstream movies made like it instead of some of the odd ones they make now.
We went to the park next. Really big park, and cool too. We walked for a little bit, stopping to put our feet in the bay for a little before going and resting on a bench while we watched the boats go by. If it had been S and I, we probably would have been holding hands right about now. I wanted to hold Michael's hand. I wanted to hold it the night before too, at the river, and at the Movie, but decided that after the flinch from me patting his leg in the dark theater, I wouldn't push my luck. Besides, we were having such a nice day. Then I heard him, in my mind, say "A penny for your thoughts." I figured, "just your imagination", or wishful thinking, then seconds later, he said just that! "A penny for your thoughts." I figured coincidence, and said "I knew you were going to say that!" I made him give me two pennies because of the exchange rate, and told him that I wanted to hold his hand. He told me he wasn't that into the touchy feely stuff, or something like that, but I felt good just knowing that I had told him that.
Back at the car, I got him to decide on a restaurant for dinner that I could treat him to because I hadn't spent hardly any of my Canadian money yet. Well he picked a real cool Japanese place, which had these barbeque type grills in the center of each table. We ordered an all-you-can-eat thingy, and I made him order for us. It was very cool. I tried Octopus and several raw fishes among other stuff. For the most part, the food was very good. Michael's so cute when he's in his element. :)
After the movie, I wanted to catch the sunset, so we went to the end of this one road, and found some benches to sit and watch the sun go down over the bay. Excellent sunset. We hardly talked through the whole thing. But it was comfortable silence. We didn't feel we needed to do anything other than sit and relax. I of course wanted to hold his hand. But I didn't bring it up, and he didn't ask.
Then home again. Michael got out a few photo albums of his trips, and we looked through them. It was fun putting names and places to the things in his journal, and I love hearing him tell stories, he get's so involved with them. That and he sat right next to me on the couch. Actual physical contact! *giggle*
Then we watched "The Rescuers Down Under" which I had brought up cause he hadn't seen it yet, and it's one or my favorite animated features. Half way through the movie, John, our net buddy from Down Under called and Michael got on one phone, and I got on the other and we all three talked for a little while. That was very cool, since I hadn't gotten to talk to John yet on the phone. Then back to the movie, which Michael didn't quite appreciate as much as I do. Oh well, to each his own I guess.
Then after the movie, he came and sat next to me on the couch again, only this time he leaned back on to my lap. At first, I wasn't sure how to react to this. I mean is it okay for me to touch him now, or is this just some joke. Well I played with a few of his arm hairs while we talked, and then I pet his arm. Taking things slowly. The kittens decided they wanted to be the center of attention too, so I had to put them on the floor a few times before one of them knocked a book down the stairs and we got up to make sure everything was okay. I figured that was the end of the fun, but Michael came back and sat there again. I discovered his chest hair and played with that a little before I became a little turned on and decided to just stick with the arm. But I did work my way up to his ear after a little and gently tickled that. Got a little movement from below the equator on Michael then. *EG* We held hands. Talked. I didn't want it to end.
Then we decided it was time for bed. He asked where I was going to sleep, and I said that the couch was definitely not going to work as I had to get some sleep before heading home tomorrow, and the car noises were to much for me (not to mention I had a nightmare about the border crossing). So he got out the sleeping bag as I decided to sleep on the floor beside his bed. He offered to share his bed, but I told him that I didn't think I would be able to keep my hands to myself. :) So we went to his room, and he went back out to change into his sleeping attire, and I sat on the bed pondering if I wanted to try sharing the bed with him or not. When he came back in wearing a T-shirt and boxers, and laid down on the bed and asked where I was going to sleep I told him again, I'd like to sleep on the bed with him, but I wouldn't be able to keep my hands to myself, and he just kinda shrugged. So I put the sleeping bag up on the bed, with every intention of getting into it and trying to sleep next to this gorgeous guy. Lights out.
I played with his arm hair a little before I said that I wanted the chest hair again. Which he let me. Man oh man, I could never be straight. Chest hair is incredible, and Michael has some that is very cool. Well after a while, I started going lower, playing with his bellybutton and the hair on his belly. I wanted to go even lower, but didn't have the guts. The band on his boxers felt like a force field keeping me out. He heard me sigh, and asked "what?" I was too embarrassed to say, and he teased me a little, but eventually I got up the nerve to ask permission. But not before crying a little, thinking that this perfect guy is actually letting me do this to him.

He gave me permission.

Here's the part that has kept me from writing here. There are things I want to say, but I don't want to make public something so beautiful and private.
The whole experience was positive. I wouldn't change a thing except maybe add a few more hours to the night. We talked and joked through the whole thing, it was just two friends having fun. I got my first kiss. I found out what erogenous zones are. *BG* gave my first hand job. Got felt for the first time. Felt for the first time (I'm surprised the poor guy has hair left anywhere on his body with as much petting and feeling as I did). At one point I realized my whole being was focused at the tip of my fingertips as they felt there way over his body.
At one point, he asked me what I was thinking. I was surprised to find I wasn't thinking anything. I was just there, in the moment. Now that I look back at it, I was for most of the weekend as well. I wasn't overanalyzing everything like I usually do. I was just there, in the moment.
The sun came up. Sunday. I looked at him sleeping naked beside me. He's beautiful. So perfect. I couldn't help but touch him.
We cuddled a little after he woke up, and then at around 11 he got up and took a bath. I laid in the bed, played with his boxers a little, he didn't wear them long enough for them to smell like him though. When he came back in, I tugged at his towel which he let fall off. Yep. Beautiful. :.)
Once he got mostly dressed, I went and took a shower. At one point, I forgot to concentrate on taking a shower, playing the night over and over in my head, and I forgot you cant breathe with a mouth full of water. *giggle*
After my shower, I came out quietly and watched him in the kitchen. He was dancing and singing to his music while he make us breakfast. So cute.
We ate breakfast. I heard him think that he wanted to talk about the journals, but didn't want to. I didn't find out till I got home, that he actually did think that. We didn't hardly talk at breakfast at all. After breakfast, I got on my coat and hat and shoes. Picked up my bag of clothes. I wanted to stay. I wanted to cry. We walked to my car, I got in and left. We were both numb.
8 km from the border I was going to stop at the Duty-free store and get souvenirs and exchange the rest of my Canadian money, but I started crying and decided not to stop. The border crossing back was fine. So for the next 8 and a half hours I was alone with my tears and my thoughts.

In Seattle, got to a point on the Freeway where there were two signs. On for Portland, where I was supposed to go, and the other for Vancouver BC, where I had just came from. I was so tempted to take the Vancouver exit. I thought screw work. Screw my life. I want to be with Michael.
I didn't though. I kept on heading home. Like a good little boy. Or is that a good little lamb? Always doing what your supposed to. Always doing what people want you to do. Always trying to please others. But if anything good comes your way, it's taken from you as soon as you let your guard down and start enjoying it.

I pumped my own gas. Once on the way to Canada, just before the border (no problemo), but the second one gave me a hard time. It kept saying to lift something. Well I kept lifting the triger on the nozzle, but that wasn't what it wanted. Seems the thing that held the nozzle needed to be switched up. *roles eyes* Good thing that's in the printed instructions on the side of the machine (which it wasn't BTW). But I figured it out. And was on my way.
Just before the Washington / Oregon Border I got a little sleepy (crying will do that to a person), so I pulled into a Rest Area, and got two 15 minute naps. Then I was on my way again.
Through the whole trip up to Michael's, my stomach was queasy. I tried to force myself to eat good on the way up (if you can consider McDonald's "good"), but on the way home, the only thing I ate was some chips I had gotten at the gas station. And I had to force myself to eat what few of those I did eat.

Once in Oregon, I got to the turn off I needed to start heading back to the Oregon Coast. The Edge Of Nowhere.
Once I got far enough from any major city, I realized that it was a little too dark out. Seems one of my headlights the drivers side one (which has lasted since 94 when we got the car despite the fact the passengers side light has burnt out at least 4 or 5 times since we got the car). Well here I am about to go over the mountain to the coast, Sunday night, after 8. There isn't even anywhere to get a light until I get to the coast. I just knew I was going to get a ticket before I got home. Every car I got behind on the way home always pulled off to let me go by. *shits* Why is it they never do that unless you don't want them to? Grrrrr.
But I made it to Newport and even Fred Myers before it closed. Got a new headlight, and for the life of me couldn't get the damn thing to fit in the socket right. So I got it in there as best I could and headed the last 20 some miles to home. My light beam practically pointing toward the sky. *G* Well atleast I had a light in it that works, and everyone was still getting out of my way (mostly since it was shining directly in there eyes). *EG* Well at least it got my mind off of Michael so that when I pulled into the carport, I wasn't on the verge of tears.

Grandma met me at the door. I said "Hi" to her and the dog and had to run to the bathroom to take a huge pee. After the rather euphoric urination, I turned to the mirror to make sure I didn't look like I was crying (not that grandma could tell, the house was dark and she can't see without her glasses on). It was then that I discovered my Favorite Souvenir (my other two souvenir's were the chopsticks from the restaurant, and a blurry picture of Michael at his computer that I took the first night there). Some time Saturday night, Michael had managed to give me a Hickey. :) Just below the collar line, so that it's not that noticeable unless my shirt is not sitting exactly right or I pul don't on the collar. Isn't he cleaver? *BG* I can't believe I, Scott, had a hickey! All these years of seeing others with them and wondering how they got them, and here I am. Still wondering how they got them, even thought I have one. :)

After getting most of the story of my weekend out to grandma, I sent out a few e-mails, and went to bed. Alone. My bed seemed to quiet... empty... to cold... heartless.

The next day, my mother came by to see how my trip was. As she was walking in the house, I "Psst" at her to look and I tugged slightly on my shirt collar and she burst in to laughter. *giggle*
She sat down in the chair in the house, and in front of Grandma, she blurted out "So. You did it?"
My head tilted. "What did you just say?" I thought.
"You made it all the way to Canada and back?" She corrected, with a sinister grin on her face.
So I regaled her with my PC version of my trip, which I also gave grandma the night before. Then her and grandma talked for a little and then I followed Mom out to her car and filled in a few more of the details.

Once at work, I walked in the back door like usual. S was there doing prep work for the night. As I opened the door, she saw me and smiled this knowing grin. She noticed right off that my energy was different. She asked if I had fun, and I again pulled on my shirt. "A little", I stated matter-of-fact like. She laughed hard and followed me to the coat room for more details.

Meanwhile, on-line. I started coming on to strong towards Michael, mostly because of his wavering feelings about me which were ranging from not sure about his feelings about me, to no feelings for me. While he sorted through his feelings, he also limited his contact with me. That too made me panic.

Finally we talked on the phone. And sorted things out some.

And that was my trip to Michael's. "If ever there was a time in my life that I felt was the best moment of my life, that nothing could ever top that moment, it was last night." I told him in an e- mail when I got home Sunday night. He definitely lived up to the fantasy. I have no regrets and wouldn't change a moment.

I just wish it hadn't ended.

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