Wednesday, July 15th
I tell you, the last week and a half has been wierd. First off, Chadley has fallen for me, then Mickey (finaly). And the Girl-with-a-crush is now My-good-friend-S. My mother has bought a house and moved in, and it seems I'm something of a sex symbol on-line and off. *LOL (yeah right)*
And if that weren't enough!!! My mother informed me yesterday that my brother has written me a letter and I should be getting it any day now!!!! *dances around the room*
Can you say "Good things come to those who wait!"
Can it be that I'm actually happy for a change? :)
Whose life is this.... It can't be mine, it's going to well.
Now I'm wondering what's gonna come along and screw it all up.
But who gives a fuck!!! I'm gonna just enjoy it while I got it.
Just goes to show, you never can tell what the future might hold for you.
Sunday, July 19th - Human Contact
I'm not sure if I put this here yet or not, but my brother used to give great hugs. When we moved here to the coast and me and him became friends, I realized that someday I'd let him know I was gay and he might take the hugs the wrong way. And with the false assumption that all gays are child molesters, I started refusing all forms of touch so that nothing would even be wondered about. It confused him, and hurt me, cause I missed the hugs, and the closeness. Not only did I start refusing contact with him, but he started doing the same to others. Now ten or so years later, and the prospect of me finally getting into a relationship some day, I want that kind of feeling back in my life again. Bart's visit made me realize that I've placed a fear along with physical contact. I don't want that fear in my life anymore. It doesn't serve a purpose anymore. The last hug Bart gave me almost brought me to tears it felt so nice to have that kind of contact again. When I get a boyfriend, I want to feel comfortable touching him and being touched by him. Right now, I don't think I could feel comfortable with that.
The night after S gave me the note, she came down and saw me at work to make sure I wasn't freaked out. Which I wasn't. And before she left, I gave her a quick hug (after making sure no one would over see it so as not to give them any false impressions).
The first day that we met, at work, it was like I had known her forever. She had the same feeling. It was like I knew I could trust her, and she also felt the same thing. Others thought it was a crush, and since I couldn't quite put a finger on what it was, I went with that assumption too. It took me a few weeks to get what my mind told me, and what my heart told me, together. See my mind keeps saying "stranger" while my heart says "friend". It's really a weird feeling. When we are apart, I feel like the friendship is moving way to fast, but when we are together, it feels like it's been going on for years and years.
When my brother freaked, I put up walls to keep people out. I didn't want to give anyone that level of trust again so they couldn't yank it away. Instantly with her though, the walls were gone. There's a link between us that I've never felt before. It's freaky and spooky and cool all at the same time.
The other day when we were at the beach, I had the distinct impression that she wanted to hold hands (as friends of course, don't think for a minute I'm ever going back in the closet!). Well Friday night as we were talking, she mentioned that that was indeed what was on her mind.
She told me that she is usually a "touchy" kinda person. And I told her about what I just said, and she told me that she is going through some of the same issues with that too except hers stem from trust more than mine. So she opened her hands, and I put mine in hers. It's cool having someone play with your hands. Course then she started playing with the energy around my hands, and that was weird. But I was so tense at first, that I actually started shivering (and it wasn't all just because we were outside at midnight). Later, we gave each other backrubs (we both give them, but usually no one returns the favor (always the way it is)). Ooh, quick note. She's a certified Reiki. If you ever get a chance to get a Reiki enhanced backrub, don't pass it up. Oy! My backrub I gave her paled by comparison.
She keeps telling me that she knows that I'm at least a big part of why she felt she had to move to the coast. I think together me and her will be able to work through a lot of the stuff we need to to get back on track. We've been talking about gay issues, we even talk about guys a little, and point out cute ones to each other. She makes me feel like I'm okay. I'm a human.
Now I just need to bring up the journal. I still haven't told her about it. I keep bringing up the net, but she quickly dismisses it. She doesn't realize I have good friends I only get to see through the net. Her exboyfriend (who's first name is the same as my brothers) used to play on the computer instead of do things with her, so she is very nervous that I'll not spend time with her because of the computer.
The reason I haven't told her about the journal is though, that I don't want her to feel like I'm revealing to much about her. Actually, I really want to be able to keep the anonymity I have hear. I'm not ready to give that up quite yet.
Wednesday, July 22nd - What a great day!!!!
First off, I got an e-mail from Mickey today!
Second, my brother let me talk to him on the phone tonight!
Oh, and I told S about my journal the other night after work, and she wasn't interested in the least.
Thursday, July 23rd - Phone calls
Sorry about yesterdays entry, I wanted to tell you all about it, but I also wanted to go to bed as sleep seems to be lacking in my life right now as is net time. The many hazzards of getting a life. :)
So about the phone conversation with my brother. I was at my mothers when he called, and after a few minutes of them talking I wrote on a piece of paper "Ask him if he will talk to me about the CD's he's looking for." A half hour later she said "Now don't get mad at me, this is Scott's idea, but he wants to talk to you about helping you get the CD's you can't find." For a few seconds it sounded like he had already found them and my in was not going to work, but then she handed me the phone.
Standard greeting, I could tell his hackles were up, waiting for me to say the wrong word, which I didn't. *G* And before I knew it it was like it used to be. We talked movies, computers, music, video games, action figures etc. All the things that make the world go around (with the exception of one of course). After 20 minutes, mom took the phone away from me. :( But from the sounds of it, he might see me next time he's in town now, and he said he was definitely going to write me. :) "Houston, we have established contact!"
I feel real good about him after talking to him. I can tell his soul is still there. And who he is, is what keeps getting him in trouble, but he's sticking to who he is and not letting anyone tell him otherwise! *teary eyes* I done good raisin' 'im (as mom keeps telling me).
In other news, I just got off the phone with Mickey (who's finally in my time zone), and what can I say? I could listen to him talk for hours. Unfortunately grandma was in the room the whole time I was talking to him, and after the first half hour, she placed the pile of freshly cut onions for the Turkey Enchiladas on the table right next to me and my eyes started tearing up. Then towards the end of the hour, she started standing by the phone with a yellow piece of paper looking at me. Very annoying. And I needed to call S before 4, but I missed her. Oh well, she'll live. But man, I can't wait to meet him in person!
Oh hey, I almost forgot.... The bosses son that I hung out with last summer (I'm pretty sure I talked a little about him already), well he's coming up for a week on Sunday. That should be fun. I haven't seen him since last September. I may come out to him, but I'm not sure. I think his grandmother (my boss that's like a grandma to me) knows, so maybe she already let it out of the bag. Should be interesting. I'm not sure how he would handle it, but I do know I don't want to make friends that don't know anymore. It's so much nicer not to have to censor myself.
And before I go, there are a few more Journals I've added to the links page. Plus, the pictures from O. Bart's site are also on mine now too, on the new picture page.
Monday, July 27th - "Everything looks better with your eyes closed."
I can't help but wonder about my brothers ulterior motives for speaking to me again. At the time I didn't think twice about the fact that they've found a "rift" in his hearing and he might get the boot from the military, I was just so happy that he may be forced out of service, that I didn't even think about where and what he will need if he gets out. And what it boils down to is that he'll need me to help him get into school and stuff like we had planned before.
So now I'm wondering just how much I should trust him after what he's done. Am I setting myself up for another fall? Should I let him try to do it on his own and stick with trying to get my own life going like I have been for the last year?
And speaking of Trust Issues... I still have doubts about S's motives toward me. She's so sweet, and we get along famously, but I still wonder just how much is friend related and what might be a crush on her end. She hasn't denied the existence of a crush, nor confirmed it. Is she hoping for more? Or even hoping to convert me of hoping I'll want to experiment a little?
Maybe I'm just paranoid cause of past events in life.
A lesson is repeated until it is learned. It is presented to you in various forms until you learn it. Then you can go on to the next lesson. If you don't learn lessons, they get harder. - From "Rules for being human" from Bruces site.
Monday, July 27th - PM
I just got off the phone with Mickey again. *SWOON* I tell you, that guy does it for me. He makes stories about cars sound like poetry, and I hate cars. I'm glad I'm gonna be busy these next few weeks or I'd go through Mickey withdrawals being out of contact with him for that long (while he's in England for two weeks). Oy!
Sorry, I told myself I wouldn't do mushy entries till I got an actual boyfriend, but I just couldn't help myself. I think S is getting tired of hearing me go on and on about him. :) I was smiling the other day for no reason, and she asked me why, and I told her "I've got Mickey on my mind." *giggle*
Well I know there was something else on my mind, but now I cant think of what that might have been. Go figure. :)
Well the bosses son came to town last night. When he got to the restaurant, the first thing he did was come running up beside me and almost knock me over. We immediately stared talking and his mother who hadn't seen him for a while was standing about two feet away and he didn't even say "Hi" to her. *G* He's so funny. I forgot what life he brings to that restaurant sometimes.
Well I haven't remembered what else I was gonna talk about, so I'll end it here. But hey, you got two entries in one day! That hasn't happened in a while.
TTYL. And yo Mickey?! Have a good trip. Miss ya already!