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Current Entrys - May 27th+

Wednesday, May 27th
Well I've been putting off doing a new entry for no good reason what-so-ever. I just got off the phone with O. Bart and he reminded me that I needed to do one (here is where I shame on you guys for not visiting his site or dropping him an e-mail). It was cool to get to talk to him. He sounded more like what I thought he would sound like than Larry did. I've been kind of nervous about meeting him (he's coming to visit me on his way to California in July or August). But the phone conversation cured me of all most all of that. There were a few silent moments when neither of us could think of what to say, but all in all it was a pleasant conversation.

So, let's see. Tis the season. We've been hiring a lot of new people at work, gearing up for summer. One girl definitely has a crush on me and isn't to good at hiding it. She's a nice person and all, but what can I say, she's not my type. *giggle* Why can't we ever get a cute guy who is as bad at flirting and has the hots for me? Which brings me to one of the other people that has been hired. He's this cute kid (definitely a kid) but he seems to like to hang out with me. He takes every chance to say something to me. Be just my luck, he's the first guy who has a crush on me and he's way to young for me to even consider. Well the universe has a sick sense of humor, that's for sure. You have to be real specific when you ask for something or you will get it and it will be exactly what you asked for and nothing else.

So, this whole net crush thing that Mickey and Rotti have talked about on there sights. Well there is a lot I would love to add, but I can't. It's funny, when I started this journal, I could talk about everything. My life was all off-line. Now, a huge part of my life is on-line. I have friends on-line. I have very real relationships with people on-line. I've received stuff from people on line, and sent stuff to people on-line. And yes, even Mr. Scott has a net crush or two (three and a half to be precise). I even know for sure one guy has one back (he told me so), and another I don't know for sure, but am almost positive he does. There's the problem. I met them all through my journal, and now that they are a very real part of my life, I can't talk about them here like I could if they were only a part of my off-line life. My anonymity here is dwindling. It's not that I'm working through anything major in regards to the net-crushes or anything like that. But it would be nice to be able to talk about it here. I miss the freedom and the feedback I used to get here. That's part of why I've been so quiet here lately, that and I've been having some very interesting discussions in e-mails lately.

And how about the fact that I'm going to be meeting on-line people off-line soon. Bart isn't the only one. Rotti might be in Seattle a little this summer and Mickey is going to be on this coast soon too. I have loose plans to get to see each of them also (although Mickey and I are planning to get together in about a year (in the slight chance we are still both single in a years time)). All of a sudden, the dark secrets I put here in hopes that complete strangers would help me through it, well those strangers are now friends and will soon be in the same room as me. Talking to me face to face. Not only that, but they know I'm gay, and I know they're gay too. That alone makes me a bit nervous as I've never really had that kind of experience before, but at the same time, I feel like I'm getting away with something that has been kept from me for so long. It's something I've only dreamed of, but for some reason I don't think I ever let myself believe it would actually happen. Me having gay friends that know I'm gay?!? What a concept. *G*
And to a certain extent, the thought of actually having a boyfriend (or heaven forbid a husband) someday is another thing that I haven't let myself actually believe will happen. Sure I've wanted to be married since I was little. I even suggested to my cousin (the cop) that me and him should get married (I was real young). He got a big laugh out of it and spent the next half hour explaining why two guys couldn't marry. I never did get his point. ;) The thought of it actually coming true still seems so distant, so unfathomable. Like an unlikely fantasy you doubt will never come to be: winning the lottery, meeting a movie star, a gold medal in the Olympics, that sort of thing. I'm not sure if it's a self esteem thing or whether its just me buying into societies propaganda, but I just can't seem to accept that someday my prince will just come (*giggle* Have I been talking to Mickey to much or what. *LOL*)

But you know what? I'm ready to change that feeling. Bring on the guys. *G*

And with that, I'll say good night as it's 1 minute till 3 in the morning. But before I go, I'll post this and I'll post a few new Journal links (on my "Links To Somewhere" page). One is buy one of my on-line friends named Chris who has graced these pages a few times with his comments, and now has his own site. Check it out, and leave him a message if only to let him know you've been there (and send O. Bart one to while your at it).

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