So I got over a dozen e-mails today (a new record) about the 3/30/98 entry (and four of them were from people who hadn't written to me before. Thanks guy, it's nice to know your out there).
Thursday, April 2nd - Let's Talk About Love: Part 2 - Q's & A's
Excerpts from the mail bag:
"I also want a long-term relationship and I do believe those exist among guys. I know they exist, I've seen them. Yes, sleeping around is very prevalent among gay guys but then it's not that rare among straights. Nobody forces you to sleep around and there are plenty of guys who want long term relationships (I think, I hope...). But the first step may be sex, and yeah, the thought took some getting used to but believe me, there is something to be said for having a sex life. It's fun and it isn't really as big a deal as it seems."
"Now don't be so negative about it, there is probably a gay man just right for you trapped on a desert island somewhere, the only problem is I would not count on him getting Internet access anytime soon. *g*"
"Yes, there are others that believe like you. But you know finding them is the most difficult task you will ever have. It's already hard enough to find a gay may that will be compatible with you, but to find one that believes in waiting for the special, will probably still be doing that to his dying day, waiting. Why waste all the precious valuable time we have waiting, when just a little actions can resolve it."
"You're not the odd ball for wanting true love and loving sex. Anyone can go out and play the field and get their balls off and play around every day they want to. And what do they have to show for it????? HIV+'s running around a lot more then should be. AIDS running around a lot more then it should. One night stands galore! That's not for you buddy. You're the smart one because you know what you want?"
"This doesn't mean that some day you might date and end up in bed with someone. But you are going to know when you want to do it and how you will feel about it. Trust me. Your feelings are very strong within you. There is no reason for you to be feeling sorry for yourself. AND there is no reason why you can't date any number of guys. A date doesn't always have to end in bed or anywhere for that matter and sex!. You set the parameters with yourself and follow them. But date, Scott. Don't avoid it because you think people are going to use you. You -- and you alone -- will be the only one to decide when and who you go to bed with. So date guys. That's the only way you're going to meet other men and let them meet you. You have nothing to be afraid of nor to be ashamed of."
And before you ask it. Yes, some of my reasons for wanting this is because I'm afraid of being used and discarded.
"Actually I was not going to ask, I had already assumed that. *g* Why, because I know that the fear of rejection is the primary culprit from everyone that is reluctant to get into a relationship, and to carry it even further into intimacy. It's just something we all have to over come. And having sex, is a great way to do away with all the insecurities we have built up in ourselves. Why wait to find the right person, and then ruin what could be great, by trying to learn from the ground up then when it (sex) could have been learned and practiced and perfected with someone you don't mind losing."
"Hey, you are using him just as much as he would be using you. Sex does not mean commitment, but sex can be so good between to guys that it will bring them together. And love can develop from it."
"Love and Sex are different, though obviously they can happen with the same person and can provide a special something to each other which is better than either alone."
"A relationship must be based on love, not on sex. If it is based on sex, there is always the risk that someone better will come along, particularly as our charms are relatively ephemeral. If on love, it is never a guaranteed thing, but at least the foundations are solid."
"My boyfriend and I each had plenty of good meaningless sex before we met and continue to have sex outside the relationship. What we have is based on love and is not easily threatened by such activities. We both know that sex is fun, but pretty short lived. Love lasts, grows, changes, develops, challenges, overjoys and overwhelms."
"From what I have seen, the "divorce rate" in the gay world is pretty high among those who expect the relationship to be monogamous; the strain appears to be too high (much as you may find it difficult to believe, getting laid is about as difficult as getting a cab in the gay world. particularly in cities) and the rewards too light. The relationships that seem to last are those that are open (though obviously not all of these survive either)."
"....go out and enjoy sex. Love is a much rarer animal."
"There is nothing wrong with wanting love. Certainly there is nothing wrong with needing love. And there is nothing wrong with waiting until you are in love with someone who loves you before sharing something intimate with them. Losing your virginity will not drive you from the room where you remain unique. Sacrificing your principles will. There is a very good saying I have always been fond of, "To thine own self be true.""
"But there is something you should probably be made aware. Take another look around the room, there are still a few of us left here with you. Not all of us are virgins, but none of us will sell ourselves short. I hope you are not planning on leaving..."
"I'm reminded of the film "War Games" where the computer learns that the only way to win nuclear war, (or Tic-Tac-Toe) is not to play. In the game of love, the only way to LOSE, is not to play."
"....The nervousness, the overheated expectations and the inexperience all contribute to make the first time less than ideal. You spend more time thinking and worrying than you do feeling and experiencing. He's found it gets better each time. I don't know anyone who disagrees. After all, practice makes perfect!"
"One of the problems with growing up gay is that we don't get to learn how to date and form relationships in our formative years like kids in the het world. One of the other things they learn is how to heal after having been broken. They get time to practice in "starter" relationships. They don't reasonably expect that their first relationship they have is going to be their last. Why should we?"
"Not everyone thinks about it on a level to put into words, but I've taken wonderful experiences and lessons away from each of my relationships, all of which have "failed." Again, practice makes perfect. Do I still hope for the ultimate long-term relationship? Absolutely. But given the choice of being entirely alone, or involved in a relationship that may not last forever, guess which I pick. And in between relationships, given the choice of masturbation or the occasional fling, let's just say Rosie Palm comes in a distant second."
"It's fairly obvious where I stand on this one, because love and sex are completely separated in my life. *his wife's name here* is the one that I love, to the extent that I could not imagine ever leaving her, even if the perfect man came along and wanted me to live with him. But since I am just not heterosexual, I have to look elsewhere for sex. It's not an ideal situation, but in life it's fairly rare to find anything that is ideal."
"I read Larry's journal entry and I have to say that I basically agree with what he wrote. Not entirely, but basically. And I also agree with much of what you wrote. Am I coping out on you? No, because there are no sides here to take, there is no black and white, but there are differences between expectation and reality. Do I think that sex and love are something special? Oh, yes, very much so. Do I want a monogamous relationship with a "normal" kind of guy? Yes, I do, with all my soul and being. Will that happen for me? I don't know. Time is running "out" and I'm not, so the odds don't look good. Am I willing to wait for love before having sex? No."
"I said dreams, not fantasy. If your dream is to wait for your lifemate, then wait. It's your dream, it's not a fantasy, it can come true. I hope it does. But, then again, it may not. Are you willing to take that chance? And if it doesn't, what have you gained? Or lost? But more importantly, is this really a black and white issue?"
"This one's really complex. Frankly, I don't think anyone has the answers. I expect it's because the answers are different for each of us, and at different times of our lives."
"I think that you need to be less rigid in planning your ideal future. "A good traveler has no fixed plans ..."."
So, what do I think now?
I'm really not sure what to think now. I see both sides of the issue, and the shades of grey in between, and I wonder if I should even try to think that far down the road. When I get there, I'll take the path that feels right to me anyway. Life's to random to plan effectively.
Ack, I was slipping into writer mode. Dancing around what's really on my mind.
Okay! Am I going to wait for Mr. Right still? Mmm, less likely now, but I'm still not going to rush it with anyone. Yeah I'll date a few guys, I never thought I wouldn't, nor am I looking for another virgin, it's just whether or not I'll have sex with them is the issue. A large amount of trust is still going to have to be there for me to do something like that. And that will take more than 3 dates for that to develop for me. Or maybe not. I could meet a cool guy tomorrow and be boning him in a few weeks time. It's hard to say. What feels right now may feel different when I get there. I do know I'd like to not be 30 and a virgin. That's a year and a half away, but even then, I'm not going to rush anything. That's not who I am. Never has been, never will be. But I won't be having sex just for sex. The guy has to mean something to me, and I have to mean something to him. He can't rush me though. I have to reach a point where I'll give it up to him, not that I'll use it as a prize, but he'll have to understand what it means to me.