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April 14th to the 23rd

Tuesday, April 14th
I went to talk with mom today, ready to pick a fight. Show no mercy! Take no prisoners! Light fuse and get away! Kick butt and take names later! Okay maybe not, but at least not take "No" for an answer.
I walked in and asked if we were taking my car tomorrow or if we were all going to try to fit in her truck. Well, she shot that one down real quick. She said she and the dog were going to take the truck over and get him.
I said well "Okay plan "B", I'll drop my extra VCR off on Thursday for you guys to use. Does that sound like a valid excuse to say Hi?" She said they would probably be out canoeing in her new canoe, but she would make sure we got to see each other sometime before he leaves.

I came (get your mind out of the gutter), I saw, I conquered! God it feels good. If I'd know self esteem was this fun, I'd have gotten some sooner. :)

Oh, and did I mention that when I do art work for the restaurant now, they have me write down my time? I'm a paid by the hour artist now! Cool huh? My mom has a friend that wants to get a hold of me to do some graphics work for her job-on-the-net.

All right, who's life is this, and who got stuck with my old one. *G* Now if my hair would just grow faster. *VBEG*

Thursday, April 16th - That's right, it's my life, I'm the one who got stuck with it.
As I came around the corner, I could see that the TV and the computer were still on, so my brother must still be up. I pulled the car in to the driveway and parked in front of the garage, got out and went to the door. I didn't want to wake up mom (she usually goes to bed at 8), so I got out my key. Hmmmn, the locks have been changed. Well it's about time, there was all sorts of sand in it and the last few the key hadn't worked. An old problem, think nothing of it. So no key, lets' knock, he was sitting on the couch, that much I could see as I walked past the curtained window, I'll just knock softly.
*quiet knocking sound* The dog should be barking by now. *dog claws against linoleum* Ah, here she is. "Hi *dogs name here*, go get *brothers name here*. Tell him to open the door."
*sound of mom clearing her throat as she nears the door* Mom: "Well let me get to the door" The dog can smell the steak scrap left over from my New York I had for dinner (and you guy's wonder why I still work there *G*) She opens the door enough to poke her head out and let the dog poke her head out.
Mom again: "Nope, ain't gonna happen."
Me: "No go huh?"
Mom: "He doesn't want to see you."
Me: "Well I'm in a confrontational mood, I'm up for a fight." *G*
Mom: "Yeah, well you'll be on the losing end of this one."
Me: *Hello, what planet have you been on for the last year* "I've already been on the losing end of the fight, remember?"

So here I am. 11:30 Pacific time. Alone in the house, disappointed as hell. And yeah, about to cry. : (

Did I mention I got a 75 cent raise tonight?

God I need a hug!

Friday, April 17th

I'll Be There For You
By The Rembrandts

So no-one told you
Life was gonna be this way
Your jobs a joke
You're broke
Your love life's DOA

It's like you're always stuck in second gear
And when it hasn't been your day
Your week
Your month
Or even your year, but

I'll be there for you
When the rain starts to fall
I'll be there for you
Like I've been there before
I'll be there for you
'Cause you're there for me too

You're still in bed at ten
And work began at eight
You've burned your breakfast so far
Things are going great
Your mother warned you
There'd be days like these
But she didn't tell you when
The world was brought
Down to your knees, and

I'll be there for you
When the rain starts to fall
I'll be there for you
Like I've been there before
I'll be there for you
'Cause you're there for me too

No one could ever know me
No one could ever see me
Seems you're the only one who knows
What it's like to be me
Someone to face the day with
Make it through all the rest with
Someone that I'll always laugh with
Even at my worst I'm best with you, yeah

That goes out to all my friends that came through with some great hugs today. Love ya all.

Now on to business. How am I doing, and what am I going to do?

Well I'm feeling good. I gave it a try, and it didn't work. Not my fault. So my next step is going to be another letter. See mom has her hand in this situation a little more than I feel comfortable with, so I'm going to have to bypass her influence. While he is in town, she is going to be with him every second of the day, so there is no hope of me getting him alone to talk as long as he is here, but when he returns to his new stationing in North Carolina next week, she wont be anywhere in site. And I know he read the last letter I sent him, he's awful when it comes to curiosity, that's always been his biggest weakness, so I'm going to exploit that. I gave him a good fluff letter last time, and then gave him a chance to either write back, or talk to me in person yesterday, and he refused. So I'm going to take that as a "that strategy isn't going to work", which means, the next letter will go for the jugular. I'll explain my position on everything, and why I did what I did, and what I think he did, and anything else I can think of that may be relevant. This letter will either mark the beginning of a discussion, or my final communication with brother. Either way, I'll not come out with less than I have now. And if mom wants to throw a shit fit, I'll read her up for even getting in the middle of this in the first place as it was between me and him, and she shouldn't have gotten involved.

And if that doesn't work, my friend Da Vinci said "I know these large Italian guys who for some pasta and a couple of cannoli ...." I assume they will be free to help me right after they help out pour Ben with his swimming lessons. *VBEG* [That last sentence was just a joke for those of you who think I would actually do that.]

Sunday, April 19th - Kick me while I'm down.
Okay, the title is a little harsh, but that's how I felt last night. Seems the restaurant I work at was on TV Friday morning. Yep, everyone in Oregon saw it, and out of the three restaurants they showed, ours looked the coolest (because it is damn it). 183 diners later the boss comes back and lets a tired (sleep induced insomnia, gotta love it) and sore (183 isn't a fun number to do on 4 hours sleep) Scott that they have decided to go a head and switch over to the new schedule, so Scott gets to work on Monday this week (which was a day off, that I was looking forward to so much this week).
Oh well, I got some good sleep tonight, and am feeling very Olympic today. :)

Tuesday, April 21st - AM - Will this work week never end?
Walked into work last night and the boss said she had a big favor she needed from me. I get to work again today!!! Yep, that's yet another extra day this week. This will be my 6th day in a row. It shouldn't be to bad though. The restaurant will be closed, I just have to answer the phone, and keep an eye on the electricians and the painter that will be there (hope they're good look'n. If not I guess I'll get more of my book read).

Boy, how many Journals did we loose this last couple of weeks? Too bad. But hey, if they weren't getting anything out of them, what can you do. Guess we need a few new Journalists to open pages.

Here's a quote my mom found in a book of hers. Kind of sums up her philosophy on love I guess. "Her life was okay. Sometimes she wished she were sleeping with the right man instead of her dog, but she never felt she was sleeping with the wrong dog." She wants me to make her a poster of it. Got any good pic's of a cute guy with a dog? Let me rephrase that. Got any pictures of a cute guy posing (clothed) with a dog (canine)? (There, got to be careful what you ask for in this day and age. *G*)

I spent about a half hour the other night at Lycos's personal adds (they used to be Tripods) looking at guys adds from here in Oregon. There were two here on the coast. Course one wanted a black guy who was a top (don't we all), *Who said that? Wasn't me! *G** and the other was a "for a good time while on the coast..." But there were a couple that looked promising located in Eugene (where I want to go to school). I don't know if I want to do the personals though. Course I'm not getting any younger (just horneyer).

Thursday, April 23rd - "Why have wings if you can't feel the wind on your face?"
The wind has gone out of their sails, but the sailboat doesn't care. It drifts in the currents content to just have survived the storm, and looking forward to what lies beyond the next horizon.

I've been putting off posting an entry about how I'm feeling about my brother and mother until I was sure that it was really how I feel, and not some byproduct of my fatigue. But now I'm sure. Those lies they made up about me, don't have any power behind them against me any more. I don't know why, but I just don't care what either of them thinks anymore. I'm completely content with who I am now, and nothing those two can do can undermine that. I could write them both off this very minute (and maybe I already have) and it wouldn't bother me a bit. I don't know when this transformation took place (sometime in the last few days) but that doesn't matter.
So am I going to contact my brother again? I don't know, there is some satisfaction in knowing that he thinks I'm still brooding over this, but I'm not.
Am I going to confront mom? *shrugs* I'm not going to seek her out, which means that I won't be seeing her for a while since she doesn't come around much unless she wants something from me or grandma.

So what now? Where do I go from here? Time for a relationship. I NEED A GUY!!! Like the title of this entry stated, "Why have wings if you can't feel the wind on your face?" I'm gay. Which means one thing: I have the ability to fall in love with members of the same gender. Well it's time to put that gift into practice. No actually it's way past time.

So, now a question. How do I find a guy. I don't drink. So bar hopping is out of the question. I'm not looking for a shallow relationship, that will be over when the sun comes up, that's not for me.
As for the personal adds I went through last week, well, they seem to impersonal for me. It's hard to tell if you would be as compatible with someone off-line that you only know from on- line.
So where do you find a guy who is looking for a serious long term relationship. Damn, I with they had a store or at least a catalogue where you could order one. *grin* I know four gay guys (none of them dating material I might add), and I'm going to take steps to get the word out to them that I'm coming out and want to start dating. Maybe they know of someone for me (actually one is the hair cutter guy, so he already knows). Other than that, I don't now what else I can do.
There is a cute guy in Eugene that works at the comic book shop that I go to. My brother said that he thought he was flirting with me one day, but I didn't notice, and that was before my brother knew I was gay. And I think he caught me checking him out, one day (he's so damn cute, it's hard not to, not to mention he's a very talented comic artist) and I think he kind of hinted that he knew one day, so there is a possibility there. Unfortunately there's no guarantee that he will be there when I go to get my comics, and that's a two and a half hour drive, so it's not something I can do frequently. Besides, there's next to no possibility of me and him being alone to talk about it. So, got any flirting tips for me just in case?

The only other barrier keeping me from plunging full force into the dating pool is that I live with my 81 year old grandma, and she doesn't know I'm gay yet. In fact she keeps telling me that she is praying for me to meet a good girl to settle down with before she dies. She is so religious that I am hesitant to tell her. She has a bad habit of not eating right when something is bothering her, and her health falters on her. This thing with my brother did it to her just this week. She's been in a haze all week. Her balance is off and she can't think straight (cool, I can't think straight either *giggle*). I have set the ball rolling by telling her that a girl wont do it for me (but I couldn't bring myself to tell her just what would), and I also told her one night last week that she is missing a big piece of what happened between my brother and me, and that I will tell her sometime, but that it was a biggy. I have also mentioned that several of my net-friends are gay. I wish she would just ask me. That would be so much easier. Never mind, I forgot how hard it was when my brother asked me. The fact that I'm gay will explain a lot of things to her that I know she is wondering, but I know she is going to buy into all those stereotypes, and after what I went through with my mom and my brother, I can't very well send her to them to talk about it, so that leaves her only support group being her church, and that won't work. She could very well get kicked out of her church if they knew I was gay. They would definitely pressure her to kick me out if nothing else. Which she wouldn't do, and she wouldn't tell me that, so it would eat at her and then her health would go down the tubes and I hate to think how far it could go.

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