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March 1st to the 15th, 1998

Tuesday, March 3rd - 5 A. M.
Usually I start off each new month recapping what happened last month for all those lazy people (like me) who skip right to the most recent entries. Not this month. To much happened last month to fit it all in a paragraph, so I'll just skip on to the regular entry.

So what do I say? Seems I have a chance to get into the "gay community" here at the edge of nowhere, and I'm scared sh*tless to do it. Yep, once again I'm sabotaging my chance for happiness. See, my mom talked to this hairdresser of hers (who's openly gay, so no, she didn't out me), and he wants to fix me up with this guy he knows that's my age (actually a year younger), got the same first name as me (I've had dreams of being married to a guy names Scott, but I just thought that was just some weird fantasy my mind created), he's into computers and the net, and lives less than 2 miles from me. It's a chance to meet someone else in this world who's gay, but I just can't bring myself to make the hair appointment so I can talk to the hairdresser. God am I pathetic or what?

Okay, "I'd like to make an appointment for a haircut." Sounds good, enough rehearsing, push the bottons on the phone, ring, ring, click "We're sorry, (haircut place's name here) is closed right now. Our hours are Friday through Monday, blah, blah, blah."
Yep, I got the nerve to make the call, and it's going to be closed till Friday. Just what I need, 3 days to make up another excuse not to call. Nothing like building up some suspense, eesh!

So, in other news, the letter to my brother is in the middle of it's second page. I'm just sending him a fluff letter and suggest that we get together next time he's in town and talk. I don't want to embarrass him with something sappy and make him cry in front of all those army buddies of his, and I especially don't want them to get a hold of the letter and find out he's got a gay brother, so the letter doesn't say much. What do you think, should I apologize about the box of cookie crumbs? *vbeg* I don't think so! *VBEG*

Friday, March 6th
Okay here we go again. "I'd like to make an appointment for a haircut," enough rehearsing, push the bottons on the phone, busy signal. Aaaaaah! Rub it in why don't you!!!!
Well then I'll just feed my fish (her name is Ripples BTW. Short for Ripley, believe it or not).
Push the bottons on the phone, ring ring.... Anyway, Monday at 3 is my appointment.

Sunday, March 8th
Okay, now this is getting annoying! Seems my mother (who is paying for the haircut) has to go to the dentist in Eugene (a two and a half hour drive) to have her tooth operated on (nothing major, but she will be drugged up to much to drive back). Guess who has to drive her, and when I have to drive her. Yep, Monday! Which means, no haircut until maybe next Friday! Aaaaaah!

My evil aunt and uncle were coming today (he's the one that picked me up by the collar of my shirt and dragged me halfway across my mothers yard and was going to beat the sh*t out of me for not mowing my grandma's lawn, with an electric lawnmower, in the rain, the day before she moved out of that house). So I declared "avoid all contact day" and took off. I figured I'd shop for a few hours (get some exercise and relieve stress at the same time *g*) then head on down to work and sit and read my book for a few hours till time to go to work. Well, shopping turned out to be stressful (this darn kid was walking around with the one and only "Princess Leia / Ewok" two pack in town, I was hoping his parental unit wouldn't let him buy it, but she did) and the whole trip lasted less than an hour. So I still had 3 hours to go before work. So I decided to go see if my mom was home.
Well, it's been a little over 10 months since I've been to my mothers house. I got this nauseous feeling as I pulled into the neighborhood she lives in. But I did better than I thought I would. It felt strange driving down that road that I once traveled every night on my way to go see my brother.
So it turns out she was home, and about to take the dog to the beach, so I tagged along. (Finally someone to go to the beach with.) We had a great talk. Mostly about "gay" stuff (god it feels good to finally talk about this stuff in real life). As it turns out she is really (and I want to stress the word REALLY here) getting into this whole "gay" thing. Seems she is developing a "Gay- dar" faster than me now that she knows what gender to fix me up with. Cant say I'm to thrilled with that prospect though, after all the looser's she's dated over the years. But I'm not going to knock it, after all she may just bump into "Mr. Right" accidentally. :)
Well Rotti, seems you were right. Coming out get's easier the more you do it. Seems I only have two immediate family members left on my "list". My grandma, and my dad (well actually my cousin the cop should be on the list too). Turns out my mother let it slip to my sister and her Extremely Homophobic husband just shortly after I came out to mom. So they have known now for almost a year, and mom says my sister doesn't have any problem with it (I didn't figure she would, but I figured her hick (were tawk'n stereotypical redneck here ya'll) husband / step-cousin (*giggle* I just love rubbing that in) would come after me with the shotgun or something). Well he told mom he figured I was and he doesn't have any problem with it. Ha, I'll believe that when I see it. So now there are just a handful of people left that I feel the need to tell. Dad isn't on that list BTW (although I can't wait to send him a wedding invitation. *VBEG*) Although I'm pretty sure he already knows, but I really don't want to push my luck on that one. So it's down to my ex-girlfriend, a couple of people at work, my best-friend, my cousin and maybe Grandma. Grandma told me the other night that she keeps praying I'll find a nice girl to settle down with before she dies. Would that be considered a guilt trip or what? I almost told her right then and there, but settled for telling her that "that wouldn't do it for me."
In other good news, my brother is this close to calling off any kind of relationship with his girlfriend. :) Seems he's found out I was right about her all along. I'm going to try to send out "the letter" to him before the week is out.

Monday, March 9th
Well, we got home in time for me to get my haircut after all. So did he fix me up? Nope. There was someone in the waiting area (which is the same room), which is probably why we didn't talk about anything of substance. He's a nice guy though. Good hair cutter too. So, in a month or so, maybe then. What a let down. Most exciting part of the day was when I found an "Art Of Noise" CD I didn't have ("The Ambient Collection").

Friday, March 13th

I was driving on the freeway,
In the fast lane,
With a rabid wolverine in my underwear.
When suddenly a guy behind me,
In the back seat,
Popped right up,
And cupped his hands across my eyes.
I guessed is it uncle Frank or cousin Louie.
Is Bob or Joe or Walter.
Could it be Bill or Jim or Ed or Bernie or Steve.
I probably would have kept on guessing,
But about that time we crashed into the truck.
And as I'm laying bleeding,
There on the asphalt,
Finally I recognize the face of my hibachi dealer,
Who takes off his prosthetic lips and tells me:

Everything you know is wrong.
Black is white,
Up is down,
And short is long.
And everything you thought,
Which was so important,
Doesn't matter.
Everything you know is wrong.
Just forget the words and sing along.
All you need to understand,
Is everything you know is wrong.

I was walking to the kitchen,
For some "Golden Grahms",
When I accidently stepped into an alternate dimension,
And soon I was abducted by some aliens from space,
Who kinda looked like Jamie Farr.
They sucked out my internal organs,
And they took some Polaroids,
And said I was a darn good sport,
And as a way of saying thank you,
They offered to transport me back to any point in history,
That I would care to go.
And so I had them send me back to last Thursday night,
So I could pay my phone bill on time.
Just then the floating disembodied head,
Of Colonel Sanders started yelling:

Everything you know is wrong.
Black is white,
Up is down,
And short is long.
And everything you thought,
Which was so important doesn't matter.
Everything you know is wrong.
Just forget the words and sing along.
All you need to understand,
Is everything you know is wrong.

I was just about to mail a letter to my evil twin,
When I got a nasty paper cut,
And well to make a long story short,
It got infected and I died.
So now I'm up in heaven with Saint Peter,
By the Pearly Gates,
And it's obvious he doesn't like the Nayroo jacket that I'm wearing.
He tells me that they've got a dress code.
Well he lets me into heaven anyway,
But I get the room next to the noisy ice machine,
For all eternity and every day he runs by screaming:

Everything you know is wrong.
Black is white.
Up is down,
And short is long.
And everything you used to think,
Was so important doesn't really matter anymore because the simple fact remains that,
Everything you know is wrong,
Just forget the words and sing along.
All you need to understand is everything you know is wrong.
Everything you know is wrong.

Okay, so that wasn't how my Friday the 13th went, butI thought you guys might need a laugh.
Actually my Friday the 13th isn't going all that bad. I got to come home early from work for a change. Course the ISP is screwed up. I can get my mail, but I can't send it off or surf the net. Bummer.
I sent that letter off to my brother today. Not really a good day to send it, Friday the 13th. Oh well, to late now. :)
It was 5 pages of nothing (okay, so I increased the font size a little), I also included 4 printed out pictures of things he might find cool (or at least he would have a year ago), and a list of "Jedi Redneck" jokes.
Now that it's sent, I've been replaying the letter in my mind, and so much of it could be taken the wrong way. Unfortunately he'll probably be looking for anything to rip into me about. Maybe this wasn't a good idea after all. Maybe I should have just sent him an invitation to go to a movie and called it good. God I hate Snail-mail. If this had been an E-mail, he could have ripped into me by now and the wait would be over, as it is, it may take a week before I hear back from him, if I hear from him at all.

Oh, and before someone sues me, the lyrics at the beginning of this entry were from "Weird Al" Yankovic's, "Everything you know is wrong" song.

Sunday, March 15th
It was a year ago this week that I came out and things fell apart (and so did I). It's weird, it feels like it all happened a month ago. But here I am. Happy again, for the most part. I was of course happier last year at this time. I had a future that seemed certain (moving to Eugene with my brother so we could go to college). STAR WARS was in theaters again (sure they were just reworked versions of the originals, but they were magic to me). Life was perfect.
Then it vanished. The illusion was smashed.
Now a year later, I don't know where my future is going, and I don't really care either. All my plans are vague. College yes. When, who knows? STAR WARS is once again relegated to video, but more are on the way, to be out in theaters next summer. I had one good friend last year (my brother) now I don't have him, but I have several others (all on the net).
Last year I felt bad about who and what I am, now I feel good about who and what I am for the first time in my life. And you know what? I don't mind the label. If it weren't for the label I would be dead now, by my own hand. The label helped me find not only friends who knew how I felt, but it helped me find myself. I have more self esteem now than I ever have in my life. Sure there are things I still need to work through. If my brother rejects my peace offering (the letter), I'll be devastate (understatement of the year). There are people I still want to come out to (before my mother does it for me). I need to get up the courage to look for a relationship (I gotta have a date for the new STAR WARS movie next year after all. Don't wanna have to have to stand in line for all those hours all by my lonesome. *G*). But hey, I'm content with my life right now. Something I never thought I would say, less than a year ago. You just never can tell where things are heading. Keep your chin up, this too shall pass. And before I quote anymore bumper stickers, I'll stop. TTYL!

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