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March 19th to the 31st, 1998

Thursday, March 19th
I'm sitting here wondering if I want my mother back in my life. Which leads me to wonder if I want me brother back in my life as well. I know all of you are going "where the hell did this come from all of a sudden", I know I am. Let me see if I can explain it to you and me at the same time.

* place the "Wavy Flashback Effect" here*

So here's what happened. I got accused of getting my brother fired from his job last year.
We had a Hispanic worker that was doing dishes where I work. He spoke very little English. One day he came in and said he was going to Mexico tomorrow and won't be back. Now I'm the only other dishwasher. My brother comes in on Saturday nights and put's dishes away, but he doesn't want to do the dishes because he would have to come in at 5 rather than the 7 O'clock shift and he doesn't want the dishwashing job. So rather than making me pull 7 shifts a week with a double on Sunday (which would actually be a triple since I would have to work the Saturday night shift, then the Sunday morning and Sunday night shift) she (the boss) opts to hire a new guy. Well the new guy won't except the job without 5 shifts a week. But the boss finally talked him into taking 4 shifts, two cooking, one doing dishes (the Sunday morning shift) and one putting away dishes (my brothers Saturday night shift). So I came in to work on that Friday, and the boss informed me of her new schedule. And asked me to let my brother know. I then told the boss that I didn't think my brother would have any problem with it because he needed one Saturday off this month for prom, and he wanted to take one, maybe two weekends off to have some fun (with his girlfriend). That and he wanted to quit before summer anyway. So I go to my brother's house figuring I'm delivering good news. After all he really only does the job as a favor to me in the first place and doesn't like the job. He even does a little dance whenever he get's a call saying he doesn't have to come in on a slow night.
Well, he and mom immediately jump on me. Saying I complained about him and got him fired (see this is all taking place during his new girlfriend phase and his girlfriend and my mom trying to talk him into going into the military, which he has no interest in doing because he want's to become a writer, which is the last thing the military wants him to be). As for me complaining about him, even if I had, it wouldn't get him fired. There was a guy that worked down there for two and a half years. He never put things away in the right spots, never got things clean, and was slow. I complained about him every day I worked (as did the wait staff, and cooks), for two and a half years. I had to wait till he quit to get rid of him. I have a helper right now, that I(we) complain about every day also, and the boss just asked him if he was staying on threw summer. There is no way I can get someone fired. I don't have that power. My brother knows that, and so does my mother. Yet, they still accuse me of getting him fired.
The complaining they are both referring to was the fact that my boss saw how depressed I was and offered to let me talk to her about it. I never bad mouthed my brother to her. Why should I, I loved him. He was the best helper we've had down there since I was in his position years earlier. All I talked about was my unanswered questions as to why he was acting the way he was (not being able to talk about his recent knowledge of my "gender preference"). Her conclusion was that he was in love with this new girl despite all her problems. Which was true.
One last point they love to hold over my head was that my brother wasn't on the schedule that I'm supposed to make up every month. Well, like I stated above, he wanted 2 maybe 3 days off that month (out of 4 or 5 weekends), so rather than put him on the schedule and take him off, I decided to wait and ask him which days he wanted off and then make out the schedule. That's what we always do there. I asked 3 different people at work when graduation was, and got 3 different answers, so that didn't help either. As it is right now, the schedule for this month doesn't have any helpers listed for Spring Break even though that is coming up shortly. The schedule doesn't even get made up on a regular basis, just because it never changes. Everyone knows that including my mother who did dishes down there for almost a year. She know's how things down there work, as does my brother who worked there for 3 and a half years.
No matter what I said to my brother and my mom, it seems they STILL believe I got him fired, despite the fact they know I couldn't have. It makes me so angry that they, not only won't listen, but that they used this whole made up incident to f*ck up my life and my brothers in the process.
Add to this my paranoia about coming out for the first time. And, well you see what happened. Everything was going so well, the future looked bright for the first time in years. Then this....

* place the "Wavy Flashback Effect" here*

I really thought this had all been fixed last year, but my mother informed me when I took her to the dentist the other day that my brother doesn't hate me cause I'm gay, he hates me because I "stabbed him in the back".
When she found out I was writing a letter to my brother, she threatened to "beat the living shit out of" me if I upset him with anything in the letter. So that's part of why I'm nervous about the way he will take the letter. Then, I found out from grandma today that she only got one letter from him back when he first went in to the military, and hasn't heard from him since. So I may not get a letter from him. He'll be in town in a couple of weeks, for a couple of weeks. I wonder if he will call. Or maybe mom will just show up one day and "beat the living shit out of" me.

Speaking of which, it seems she was using me after all. I haven't heard from her or seen her since I went to see her after my hair appointment.
Speaking of the hair appointment, grandma turned to me as I was driving her shopping, that she "found out something disturbing about" my mothers "friend that cut" my "hair". I said, "Oh, what?" She replied, "Someone at church said he was gay." I giggled, "Ooh. So what. Didn't hurt me." She said she didn't want to gossip, trying to end the conversation. Of course I couldn't leave it there. So I stressed that I have a few friends on the net who are gay. And we got to the store and the conversation was over. Nothing exciting, but hopefully something I said made her think.

Saturday, March 21st
Boy was I in a bad mood today! I got up on the wrong side of the bed twice today. But only 4 people even noticed. And they had to ask to make sure I was. There wasn't even any reason really. I should still be happy from yesterday (I found 11 new STAR WARS figures and my friend Da Vinci sent me a CD (BTW, hes got a journal site comming out soon. Watch here for details.)) and it's raining today (always a plus in my book). Guess I was just overdue for a bad mood or something. I wasn't crabby at anyone, or snappy, or even bitchy. I just was real negative and was just looking for someone to rip into, but it showed on my face I guess. My helper at work was real lucky I didn't rip into him. He started complaining that he was on the schedule tomorrow night. He said he couldn't work cause his girlfriend might be in town. Straight people, huh! Cant live with m, can fit them in the microwave. *G*
Later in the night after I told him to just cross out his name on the calendar and I'll go it alone, he asked me if I was in a bad mood. I said "yeah". He said he was too. So I said "let's break something!" We didn't of course, but fantasizing about what to break brought a VBEG to both of our faces.
But enough about work. I haven't heard from my brother yet. It's been a week so far. I'm not holding my breath, but that may be where my bad mood came from.
Oh, and I want to apologize to you if you e-mailed me this week and I haven't responded yet. I will soon. The computer has been busy with other projects this week (specifically making about a hundred Candle Labels for a lady at work) and I cant be on-line and print at the same time (actually I can, but the printer never finishes the picture).

Sunday, March 22 - She said he said....
The phone conversation:
My mom: I heard from your brother today.
Me: Oh?
Mom: Yeah, he got your letter.
Me: And?
Mom: "How dare he write to me. He has no right." And he threw it across the room.
First part of my letter to my brother: Okay, get your chin off the ground, you knew eventually you'd hear from me. Oh, and get your hackles down. I'm gonna try real hard here, not to piss you off..
Mom: He did read it though. He laughed at "get your chin off the ground" and the "hackles".
Me: I told you it was just a fluff letter.
Mom: You did a good thing. I haven't heard him this happy in a long time. And I'm pretty sure it's your fault. But he'll never admit it.
Me: Do you think I'll hear from him?
Mom: Of course not. You know haw theatrical you two are.
Me: Actually he's always been the actor, I'm the director remember?
Mom: That's true. I may be reading to much into this, but I think he's starting to come around.
Me: Shall I write him again, in about a month or so, you think?
Mom: I think that'd be a good idea.
End of the letter: I miss you terribly!

Your Bro,


So there you have it. His response to my letter told to me by the same lady that perpetuated the lie that I got him fired and talked him into going into the military to live out her fantasy.

Monday, March 23rd - 3rd times the charm.
The Boss Lady: I just date to many artists.
Me: *Here's my opportunity. On to my prepared response.* Yeah, where are you finding all these guys? I can't even find one.
Boss: Your not that way are you. *Nose slightly crinkled*
Me: Yep. *Slight hint of pride in the statement that I didn't expect to be there*

If you've ever come out, you know how the rest of the conversation went. "How long have you known?" "I kind of suspected, but you went out with that girl."
I didn't cry this time either. I got kinda close, but she was real positive about it. She immediately started trying to think of a guy to fix me up with, but couldn't think of anyone. She did tell me that someone I know is gay. I was kind of shocked, he's married and has a kid. *Never can tell with those married guys.* But we both agreed I'm a different kinda person than the guys she knows.
Now she know's the missing piece to last years event. She even gave me a hug when we got through talking.

Boss: So why didn't you tell me, I'm an easy going person?
Me: I've been trying. I got so close so many times in the last year.
Boss: Have you met any others, like on the net?
Me: Yeah, that's what this whole On-Line Journal thing is about.
Boss: Cool.

This time, it almost felt good to come out. I can't believe I did it.

Wednesday, March 25th - My Dream:
Some how the cast to "Mad About You" was there at the beginning when we were down by the creek in the park I'd never been to (I watched that before I went to bed, so that's why they were there), but the were gone when I got to the part about trying to catch the slowly shrinking hamster that was loose in the toy box (I don't even want to know where that came from). But then me and a family of people I don't know sat down to eat dinner and that's when my brother was sitting beside me. Somehow a fight started immediately, something to do with the salt shaker. I ended up getting up from the table after pouring the contents of the salt shaker on his head. I grabbed my hat and coat off of the chair beside the table, started to walk out, but stopped. Dropped to the ground curled up in a small ball and started crying.
Slowly reality faded in and I'm laying in my bed, curled up in a small ball, crying.
I spent quite a few nights like that last year. This was the first time it's happened since probably sometime in early January. And people wonder why I hate dreaming. It just drags up all that sh*t you went to bed to avoid thinking about in the first place.

I found out yesterday that my brother is coming to town on Friday the 10th of next month. He'll be leaving to go to dads early on the 11th instead of staying with mom for two weeks like he had planned. I'm sure it's because he thinks I'll try to contact him.

Sunday, March 29th - It's official
First there was Maark/Damon, then Rotti, now even Troy! So here I am. The last virgin in the world again! Well, you can't accuse me of not being unique. :) It does bug me though. Hmmn, being a virgin hasn't bugged me for a while now, at least since I was a hormonaly imbalanced teen. I don't want sex though, actually I don't want just sex, I need to have love first, then the sex can come later. Call me old fashioned. I plan on being a virgin till my honeymoon. I figure if a guy loves me enough to wait, he loves me for the right reasons. Plus, if I go and have sex with someone, then I fall in love, and the sex with that guy isn't as good as with the first guy, I'd always be wishing for better. At least this way I'll just be content, or I won't. No wondering what I'm missing.
Well, I wanted to write more, but it's time for me to go to work. Today is number 10 out of eleven days. God am I tired, and sore. At least I get the next 3 days off to recover. I hope to get another letter off to my brother, and do some work on both my websites, but I'll probably just sit around and read the comic books that I'm behind on (and SLEEP!).

Monday, March 30th - Let's Talk About Love!!!
Okay, this whole Troy thing. It's kinda hit me hard. Not real hard mind you, but it's got me thinking about things that I haven't thought about for a few months, things that were important to me then. And I'm wondering if they should still be important to me now.

See way back in December I was looking for a few things. Quite desperately I might add. I felt so alone.
At that time I was still buying into all those stereotypes that all gay guys were all into leather, slept around, talked with lisps, etc. Well here I am wanting to wait for love before having sex, then wanting a monogamous relationship with a "normal" kind if guy. Then one magical night I found Troy. Finally someone who felt like me, that sex and love were something special. Not objects to be given out to the first guy who comes along.
Now all of a sudden he's been with two guys he hardly knows, in less than two weeks, no love in sight, and it's started me doubting that the kind of relationship, the kind I've waited for 28 years for, can even exist.
I look at Rotti's and Troy's tellings of there first times with a guy and they don't seem to thrilled with the out-comes. Rotti even said he thought it would be better if he were in love, and Troy almost seemed to feel like he wished he would have waited. Even Maark / Damon said something like "it wasn't all that".
Not that I'm judging any of them for what they did, or how they did it, it's just that all of a sudden, I seem to be the only one, again, that's waiting for love, and I'm wondering if that kind of relationship can even exist. Am I the only one out here that even want that kind of relationship? Am I just kidding myself? Are all guys out there really pigs? Does "Long Term Relationship" mean "Only Till The Next One Comes Along"?
I don't want to play the dating game, I'm sorry, I don't like games where my mind is one of the playing pieces. I don't like my emotions played with. I break to easily. My boss said dating's fun, and my mom, well, she has decided she would rather just have a dog. My brother thought he had a sure thing, he even restructured his life to keep it, and poof, now where is it? And look what he's left with. What's the divorce rate up to these days? Is there a gay divorce rate yet?
Sometimes I wonder if maybe I should just give up on the dream. Yet another dream down the drain. What's next, someone going to tell me Santa Claus isn't real? That'd just make my day. :)

Tuesday, March 31st
What an odd day. The last entry? I wasn't going to post it, cause I didn't want to offend Troy or Rotti, I was just going to send it along to my friend Larry in my e-mail. Well, it seams that Larry is the one who my entry seems to have hit the most (in fact, he has posted his letter he wrote to me on his sight, so see his site for more details on that).

Then today, I was talking to my mother on the phone, and she said my brother is having all sorts of problems and is not handling them all to well (one of which is his girlfriend just severed all relations with him). So my mother told me I should right to him. So now I'm not getting threatened to not write him, but I'm being told I should do so. Go figure. Unfortunately, I wasted all my "fluff" on the last letter, now all I have left is the "let's cut the crap" stuff. My mom doesn't know how much writing to my brother takes out of me, and how long it takes to write a letter to him (especially when your trying not to offend him).
I did mention to her however that there were a few things I "told you so", about my brother and what he's going through right now. I even told her that I didn't appreciate the way she used me as sort of a "Bad Cop" last year. She would agree with me on almost everything I said, and then turn around and push him into doing the exact opposite. Evidently he got mad at her early on and told her that if she wasn't going to be supportive of his decisions then he wouldn't have anything to do with her. So here I am, the one who told him the truth, which wasn't what he wanted to hear, and I'm the one he's not speaking to. (God I hope I don't become that dumb when I fall in love. If I do, tell me the truth, even if it isn't something I want to hear. PLEASE!)

So you may have noticed a few things are getting spiffed up on my websites. I transferred all my graphics for this site to here, so if they load slower, that's why. They used to be located at Geocities. But since Geocities and Tripod both upgraded the free users MEG's (Geocities now gives 6 MEG's and, Tripod 5 MEG's (a limited time offer, so sign up now)). Anyway, I also added a few new pictures (that I scanned) to my "Ray Watch" page over on my Geocities page.

Another month down! I thought it was never going to end. :) TTYL!

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