Oh, wanted to ask all you HTML experts out there: I want to add a non-java, non-frames, HTML Chat room (or two) to my site (I want it to be usable to as many browsers as possible). Any suggestions on how I do that? I just figured out how to do tables in HTML on the 8th, so you can see how much HTML I know. I have several parameters I'd like to be able to customize it with, so if anyone is interested in helping me whip one up, let me know. I can't afford to pay any thing, but will give you full credit for your efforts, who knows, it could lead to a paying customer or two.
Evening - Who was that woman?
My mom stopped by today. First thing she did was pass me a check for $30, my Christmas present finally. We (grandma her and I) had a good chat. We talked sailing (of course), movies, internet, taxes, her work, my work. I don't know why, but I told her (and grandma) about this site. They didn't quite get it at first, so mentioned a few of the other journals, and quickly told them about this poor guy's coming out at college and the problems he was having with his roommate and stuff. Grandma was really concerned for him and said he must be going through a lot of pain. She went on to wonder "why some people can be so mean sometimes."
My mom said as I walked her out to her car that she thought the Journal was a good idea, and that I would probably find out that I'm more "normal" than I think I am. I was sure she was going to get upset about the journal and wonder about how she was portrayed in it, but she didn't seem concerned at all. She was very interested and supportive. I almost couldn't believe that was the same mother that just a week ago couldn't even look me in the face. I wonder if that boating accident (which BTW only cracked a few ribs, but she almost got her arm squeezed off my the boat, but she got it out of the way before it got pinned between the dock and moving the boat), didn't make her re-evaluate things a little. Who knows. But at least there's hope. For now any way. She has a habit of changing on a dime sometimes.
February 8th - S.A.W! Uncut
When I started my journal, I couldn't bring myself to add the following to my history. But a nice guy, Larry (BTW, I just added a link to his site on the main page), talked me into posting it. He went through a different situation, but the effects were very similar, and so was his solution. Which is why I shared it with him.
My mother decided when I was born, not to have me circumcised. I thought nothing of it until I was six, cause I had never seen anyone else's penis.
Starting in first grade, we had swimming classes that were held at the local High School. Well, the first day we all went in the changing rooms, I took off my pants, leaving my underpants on since I had an extra pair of underwear for afterwards, and slipped my swimming trunks on over them. After swimming, we all went into the changing rooms, and of course my underwear was wet, so, thinking nothing of changing like the rest of the boys, I took of my wet clothes, and someone noticed I was uncut (actually I remember exactly who it was, and I hate him for it to this day). And of course he told everyone to look. I was the only one in the whole class who was uncut. And you and I both know the unflattering effects swimming has on the genitals. Well, they laughed and started teasing me about size and the odd appearance of my penis. I was devastated, I hated being the center of attention, even worse the center of ridicule. This happened for the next several times. Then I got this wonderful idea, I would just leave my wet underwear on after swimming. And that did solve that problem anyway. Having damp pants the rest of the day was a small price to pay for getting out of the ridicule. Mother was completely confused by my actions as I couldn't tell her why I wouldn't change my underwear after swimming. Hell, I didn't even know why my penis was so different from everyone else's.
In Junior High and High School we had to shower after P.E. class. Well I would change with my back to the wall, dart into the shower and grab a towel and dry off my chest with it letting the towel hang down covering my genitals, as I walked back to the wall and changed. Even though there were a few other guys who were uncut too, the damage had been done.
The ramifications were wide spread and persist to this day. Fear of being naked in front of others. Curiosity about guy genitals. To this day, I cant use a public toilet, I'm to pea shy to go most of the time, for fear of getting seen I guess. I used to wonder if it had anything to do with my gender preference, but I know now it didn't. Also, I know now, being uncut is considered very exotic to most gay guys. And I'm glad I'm not altered. I'm sure there are others out there who have gone through the same type of thing. I'm still kind of embarrassed to let people know I'm uncut though which is why this didn't appear earlier.
Monday, February 9th - What doesn't kill us, makes us stronger.
So I want to apologize real quick here. It's been brought to my attention more than once that this page is depressing. I am sorry for that. I'm sure it sounds as though my life was never fun, but the truth is there were many fun times, but the things that shaped me and made me who I am today were mostly negative. Plus, when I started to write this journal, I was depressed. My future looked bleak at best. I hated myself for ruining it by telling my brother. I sat around day after day, sleepless night after sleepless night dwelling on the negative. So without further ado, a "Kodak Moment".
When I made Bruce those two sunset graphics for his sight he wrote back surprised. "How did you know I liked sunsets?" he asked. Well, sunsets have a special place in my heart too. In fact one of my warmest memories of my parents marriage was as follows:
One summer, I had to have been 4 or younger because my sister wasn't a part of this memory, my mom, my dad (it feels weird to say those two words in the same sentence), and me all went out in the pasture of the farm to play in the tall dry grass before it was to get cut for hay. Well the sun was just starting to do down and my dad sat in this cool tree that had one base that split into three trunks. The trunks itself spread wide at the bottom near the ground, before they reached for the sky, making a perfect throne of sorts. Mom climbed up into his lap, and I sat on top. We sat there snuggling watching the sun go down. I still remember that sunset like it was yesterday. The scene was almost poetic in nature. The waving gold grass swaying in the gentle afternoon breeze. The golden sun slowly slipping behind the nearby hill. The suns golden glow adding it's heat to the warmth of my family and there love. I remember asking a lot of questions at first and eventually they told me to just sit there and enjoy it. Not in a mean way, but in a loving way. I miss that farm so bad sometimes.
God that was sappy wasn't it. But it's true. You probably have noticed I have two distinct ways of writing. Above is an example of "writer mode." Most of the rest of the time I write in "thought to paper" mode (which includes a lot of run-on sentences and parenthesis, like this).
Maybe later I'll share two more sappy stories that took place at night on the farm, before sister came along. Not that she ruined anything, but it was nice being an only child on a 9 acre farm. Talk about room to grow. My cousin the cop, said that after we moved off the farm and before anyone new moved in they went to visit it one last time. He told me he couldn't believe how small it seemed now. Back then it seemed like a world unto itself.
10:35 PM
Hi. My name's Scott. And I'm a recovering Homosexual. *Grin. Couldn't pass that up. Had to tease Troy there for a second*
Went to see "As Good As It Gets." Let me just say right off the bat, I don't like the way Jack Nickelson acts. Linda Hunt I think is one of the best actresses around, and Greg Kinear, well I've only seen him in "Dear God" and I wasn't too impressed. Cuba Gooding Jr. Well, I haven't seen him in anything (not even that Tom Cruise movie he was in. I got tired of "Show Me The Money" before it even came out on video, and sorry Troy, I don't like Tom Cruises acting.)
So your probably thinking I hated the movie right about now, but in truth I liked it. Wasn't the best, wasn't the worst. But I liked it. Jack did really good. He started out playing the same character he always does, but by the end of the film he was completely different, almost likeble. Linda, what can I say, she may only play the same character in everything she does too, but I like that character and she plays it so believably. Greg Kinear played the token "gay guy". The role started out pretty stereotypical, but by the end he played the role like an "normal" person. (BTW, is the word "Normal" in quotations in all the dictionaries yet? :) ) And Cuba, I hear it's a nice place to visit.... Sorry, couldn't pass that one up either. He's not that good of an actor, but he has charm that more than makes up for it. He's cute too, so that helped. His role was a little stereotyped too. They went for the "gay" and the "black" stereotypes on his character. The dog in the show was pretty cute too.
11:00 PM - "Last piece solves the puzzle, but you just cant make it fit." I got a cheep-o Digital Scanner tonight! Only problem is the driver won't load. I think there is a dent in the CD Rom where the driver is located (it's the only thing that doesn't seem to work on the disc), so I have to call in tomorrow and get a new CD. Prime example of my luck. But, I'm still in a good mood, so I'm not going to bitch about it anymore. As soon as I get it up and running I should have a picture or two posted here so you have a face for the words. Plus I wanna prove that I was a cute kid and I'm not joking when I say "Puberty wasn't kind" and "My parents shouldn't have mated". :)