February 5th to the 6th 1998
Thursday, February 5th - Forever will it dominate your destiny.
I got two hours sleep last night and I have to work tonight (I'm not to worried, it should be slow). Chris's letter kept rolling around in my head (that and I can't sleep when I have to use and alarm to wake me up real early, our light's flicker a lot, and I keep wondering if it it'll go off or not). I can now sympathize with Troy and his E-mail problems. When I got Chris's letter yesterday (at 3 PM), I read it and sat there dumbfounded for the longest time. (It was almost 5 PM when I realized I hadn't had breakfast! I gotta remember: Breakfast first, then E-mail. (I say sitting here next to a bowl of soggy Cheerios.)) What do I write back to something like that. All I could do was touch on a few of the point he made. Most of them, I wanted to say something, but I couldn't find the words.
I won't lie, the thought of hiding my homosexuality and pursuing a relationship with my ex- girlfriend is something that goes through my head every time I get a letter from her (about once a week sometimes). I take a look at the way my life is now, and fantasize about what could have been, maybe even what should have been. Especially after the events of last year.
I used to think Bisexuals had it all. They could just turn off that part of themselves and go for a "normal" relationship. Troy's inner conflict over the last year have shattered that illusion for me.
I have a cousin (one of my evil aunts daughters) who, according to those nasty family rumors, had a two year relationship with another lady. Two years ago when she married a guy, it pissed me off at first. I just knew her mother had pressured her into the marriage, or that she had bowed to the demands of society. I hope she didn't, I hope she did what was right for her, not for everyone else.
I'm just now starting to get to explore the "gay" side of me, but the thought of putting it aside and giving my ex-girlfriend a husband, and those two sweet kids of hers a father that would love them unlike there own father that even forgets to visit them. But I don't know if I could fake it enough to give her enough love to satisfy her for the rest of her life. And what about me? I've hid it all these years. Can I do it for the rest of my life?
I read Bruce's journal (I'll have you a link as soon as his domain name starts resolving.) He's out, proud, and happy. He's had a couple of good relationships that lasted for years. His life is good.
Then there's Tome's journal. He's experiencing the problems associated with being out, but he also is reaping the benefits of it with his new love interest.
Then there's my age. In two years I'll be thirty. I haven't even been kissed. Never gone on a date with someone I wanted to go out with. It's been over a decade since I was even in love last.
From Rotti - With all those kids writing it sometimes feels to me I missed my window of opportunity but a friend assured me the other day that one can actually have a life starting at 30. So, that's what I intend to do. But it's hard, man, it's hard.
From Bruce - A lot of "late-bloomers" feel that way too. On the other hand, with the hormones not flowing quite as freely as in our youth, it can provide an emotionally richer experience, once you get past the nervousness.
My grandpa married my grandma when he was my age. They were married almost 50 years. My grandma said that if my grandpa hadn't come along she would have been single forever. To which I let slip, "I'm not worried, some day my prince will come." God, what made that come out of my mouth I don't know. Maybe that's what I believe deep down in my heart.
I can't lie to myself. I know this from years of trying. Things eat away at me late in the night. Sleep deprivation alone would probably kill me. Or would I be able to put the "gay" part of me aside? I couldn't when I dated her in high school, what makes me think I could do it now? Would the happiness from the lie out weight the happiness of the truth? I don't know. I can't choose yet. Maybe I'll never be able to choose. What if I wait to long and my chance for happiness passes my by? Is opportunity knocking as I speak?
God, then there's the possibility I go for it. We're married several years, and has slowly wedged it's way between us, breaking us apart. I've not only destroyed her life, her kids life, but mine as well. I couldn't live with the fact I hurt them, just because I can't put up with the pressures of society. One of the things that hurt the most last year when I came out to my mom and brother was that it hurt them. I hate hurting others. It hurts me.
Or, maybe I'll meet Mr. Right and his 5 year old son tomorrow, and then the question will be forgotten forever. Life's way to unpredictable.
Just to show you how over my brother I am, I just got through beating and shaking a box of chocolate chip cookies that grandma has wrapped and ready to send to him. They should be pretty broken up now. God it felt good punching that box. I think I need to take up a martial art of some sort. Get rid of some of this pent-up anger. Not to mention take off a few of these three star dinners, grandma dinners, and a little self defense wouldn't hurt either considering my gender preference and all the "gay bashing" that still goes on in today's society (sorry, after that guy accused Tome the other day, I just got to rub it in a little more. It kind of ticked me off, if you haven't noticed already).
Friday, February 6th
So I got up early yesterday, to wait for a call from the mechanic letting me know the car was ready. They assured me that if we left it with them on Tuesday it would be ready in time for me to take grandma to the eye doctor on Thursday and I could then drive it to work.
So I sat by the phone all day. Couldn't use the internet, couldn't go anywhere. I may hate cars, but I hate mechanics even more. Grandma called the car place at 2 (her appointment was at 3). No they said, we never said we would get it done today!
Grandma got a ride with her friend to get to her appointment (which turns out is next month after all) and I called up work to find another way to get to work. Well, it turns out the only other person that lives out my way (10 miles north of were I work) is out of town today and wont be working. Everyone else lives around 10 to 15 miles east and south of the restaurant (no one lives west cause that's the ocean.) So I take my second sick day in 10 years (the first time, they sent me home cause I was sick, and told me to take the rest of the week of, so I didn't actually take that off, they made me do it!)
So here I am, up early, sitting by the phone, waiting to see if they lied yesterday about it being done today like they lied Tuesday about it being done yesterday. Will I get to go to work tonight? If not, I'm deducting yesterday and today's wages from the bill. It's bad enough I've payed over $75 to get a blinker repaired and have it still not work, but to loose 2 days of work, and 2 nights of sleep, and countless hours of internet time....
One good thing came out of yesterday, besides yet another day off and an extra long journal entry, I made that cool graphic of The Ray (by far my favorite comic book character(of course DC canceled him)) for the journal page (in between several hundred games of FreeCell.) Let me know if it takes to long to load or doesn't load at all. I got an E-mail from Chris today that said my graphics aren't loading. Is anyone else having that problem? He's using a Mac and Netscape, so if you have one or both of those and the page seems to work, let me know.
I also got an E-mail from Cinescape Internet Magazine today, stating that they would give me credit for correcting one of there false scoops yesterday! They thought "Nagada" was going to be another "Godzilla" movie, but "Nagada" is the name of the city on the other side of the "Stargate" in the "Stargate" movie. I know this ‘cause I'm currently reading the 4th novel in the "Stargate" series (based on the movie, not on the series.) I'm also reading the first book of the "Lucasfilm's Alien Chronicles" at home. "Stargate" is the book I read for about 5 minutes a day down at the beach before work (actually I sit in the car, but I can see the beach). Get's me something to think about while doing dishes for four hours.
Oh, I almost forget what I started this entry for in the first place. Bruce's Journal is up and running finally! I added a link to it this morning. Check it out! Note From Bruce - Just let 'em know it's still kinda rough and needs to be fleshed out a bit.