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February 3rd to the 4th 1998

Tuesday, February 3rd - 5:05 AM "No one in this day and age does "gay bashing.""
I cant believe that guy who wrote to Tome accusing him of fabricating that stuff about his roommate. What possible motivation could Tome have?
Here's a couple of news flashes for that person!
The makers of "Ellen" received a bomb threat the week of filming the "coming out" episode stating that if she went ahead with filming of that episode they would blow up the set.
Or how about the guy that went on the "Jenny Jones" show. A guy at work revealed he had a crush on him. A week later, the gay guy was shot and killed by the guy he had a crush on.
How about the USA movie based on the true incident where a gay kid in the military was killed for being gay. The guys who killed him were caught and weren't even discharged from the military. NOT discharged for murder?
No one does gay bashing, my ass! Must be nice living in your world! To bad the rest of us are stuck in the real world were shit happens.

NOON - Supernatural and Paranormal Stuff.
I've mentioned "card readings" a few times, and thought I'd give you a taste of what I was talking about. This is my birth card, me and my sister have the same card, spooky cause I've always kept an eye on the way she is and tried to be not be like her in a lot of ways.

Seven of Diamonds: The Millionaires Card

By suit, the Seven of Diamonds is always connected with finances. As a spiritual number, they must maintain a non-attached attitude about money or there will be continuous problems in this area. Once they put money in its proper place however, they often attain or inherit great wealth. Regardless, many of their life lessons will come through this avenue. The other avenue is their close relationships. Family, lovers and friends are all very important to the Seven of Diamonds person. They have close ties, for better or worse, with their family and share in their trials. They are usually restless, making frequent changes in either occupation or location. Their love life usually entails sacrifice and disappointment until they learn to let others go and be as they are. In their spiritual studies they find inner satisfaction and validation for their own intuition. Once on the path, everything in their life is put into proper perspective and they can excel in any chosen field. [Copyright 1996 by Robert Camp - all rights reserved. Used without permission.]

they must maintain a non-attached attitude about money - I consider money the root of all evil. They have close ties, for better or worse, with their family and share in their trials - Did you read my entries for last year? They are usually restless, making frequent changes in either occupation or location - Actually this one is way off. I despise change, and try to avoid it at all costs. Why else would I still be doing dishes 10 and a half years later. In their spiritual studies they find inner satisfaction and validation for their own intuition - I've sort of been making up my own religion since about age 13, and this describes that part of me real well.

When the lady at work said she was going to do a card reading of my, I laughed. "That should be interesting," I thought. Then, she forgot about it, and so did I. That was when the whole situation with my brother started. Then, just before my birthday (August 6th BTW - Please no presents, just money! *LOL*) she gave me my reading which was for the last few months leading up to my birthday. I took it home and started to read it. I was in tears. It pretty much outlined the last few months. One passage stated that a close friend or relative would suddenly change becoming a different person to show me where my priorities are. It was spooky. I've been hooked ever since.
My basic religious belief is that every myth started as truth, it just got added to and detracted from by different groups over the millennia until the truth either got removed or was distorted for someone else's personal agenda. I hate to quote X-files, but "the truth is out there" you just have to sort through all the sh*t to find it. So as I don't believe any one religion, I don't discount any religion.
The bosses son got me hooked on this book called "The Alien Agenda", by Tim Marrs. In the book he explores the possibility (among other things) that gods (angels, leprechauns, deities, etc.) were just alien life forms, and religion was born as a primitive species view of them.
It is a really good book (it's only available in hardback right now, but you should be able to check it out at your local library). Kept my mind whirling with possibilities all through it and I still cant look at the moon without getting chills. Did you know, it was put here intentionally? Look at the readily available facts. It's the only moon that we know of with a solar orbit instead of an equatorial like all the rest. It's orbit is almost as long as our day. We only see one side of it at all times, the other side remains dark to us. According to NASA (Never A Straight Answer) information, the moon is older than the earth. In some of the more ancient religions there are references to before there was a moon, and to the "bringers of the moon." These are just a few spooky things in a very large book. It even goes into military coverups, crop circles, abductions, and even the Cupacabra (Mexico's Goat Sucker *Smirk*) get's mentioned. If you've heard of it, it is most likely in the book.

Wednesday, February 4th - AM
What can I say, I feel like I've been had. Remember that blinker on my car that only burns steady? Well we took the car back in today for the 5th time to get that damn blinker fixed. After we left it for an hour we came back and they said they had it running the whole time and it worked fine. Course it was the one on the wrong side! 5 times and $75 dollars later, they think it was a disconnecting filament in the bulb (that would explain it not turning on at all, but mine just burns steady). But hey, that's not where they are getting all there money, turns out this wonderful salty coastal air is corroding parts of the radiator (I think that's what he said), that's why it was been trying to overheat.
I tell you, I may have to re-evaluate dating mechanics, just so I don't have to pay to get my car fixed. Of course then he could always make something else go wrong so I would keep him around. AAAAAAAH! I was just channeling my mom! *shiver* I feel so dirty, so cheep!

PM
I recieved this E-mail from Chris today. He said I could post it, so here it is.

Your journal sure doesn't make for cheery reading. Life seems to have treated you roughly, and I hope things look up for you in future. I don't know whether you will find it at all helpful to know anything about my life, since I come from a completely different background, generation and continent from you, but I think that in some ways we might have some things in common.

I was a teenager in 1950s England, when the world was a very different place from now. I knew from about the age of 12 that I was gay, but I didn't think of it that way. For one thing, the word 'gay' was unknown, at least in the sense in which it is used now. The was no open gay scene, even in the big cities, and of course no internet. Homosexuality was regarded as a criminal perversion, in fact any homosexual act was a criminal offence in England at that time, and remained so until the 1967 Sexual Offences Act. I went to an all boys high school in the suburbs of London, where there was quite a bit of homosexual activity. But everybody always said that this was just a passing phase that some boys went through before growing up and developing an interest in girls. So I assumed that the same would happen to me (although deep down inside I think I knew that this was a bit unlikely).

By the time I was in my early twenties most of my friends were getting married, and even my kid brother had a steady girlfriend. I started to think hard about my future, and came to the conclusion that it would be no fun going through life single. The idea of a gay partner just did not seem to be a practical possibility to me. In fact, although I much preferred gay sex to str8 sex, the thought of growing old with a male partner did not really appeal at all. So that left me with only one alternative. I started dating a sweet girl from my home town, and a couple of years later we were married.

It wasn't easy. At the time when I married my wife, I was deeply in love. Not with her, but with a gorgeous boy that I used to play cards with. Unfortunately, he was very str8 and very homophobic. Excellent as a bridge partner, not as a life partner. Why do our hearts sometimes lead us into such unsuitable attachments? Sometimes you just have to use the head to overrule the heart.

That was over 30 years ago, and I still look back to those days and wonder how my life would have turned out if I had made different choices (although, realistically, I don't know that I had other choices available). I think that is one of the reasons I find gay internet journals so interesting. I find it fascinating to read about how young gay lives are developing, and to fantasise about how I would plan my life if I were young again in today's world.

Not that I have any complaints about how my life has worked out. After 32 years, I am still married to that same sweet girl. We had two lovely children. Our son and our daughter have now grown up and left home, so we don't see them very often, but I am very proud of them and they are a precious part of my life. As you get older, these things matter more.

True, the sexual side of our marriage did not last long, and there were some tense times as it gradually became less and less frequent. But my dear wife came to accept that, and what we have now is a friendship and companionship that I could not imagine being without. Again, as you get older, these are the things that matter. But I don't need to tell you that. You already know that it's no fun to go to a movie on your own.

And yet, and yet ... Being gay is still an essential part of me. I have never been 'out' to anyone I know (not even my wife, although she obviously realises that there is something a bit odd about me), and the only contact I have with the gay world, apart from the internet, is an occasional visit to a gay bar or sauna when I'm in a city. That doesn't bother me too much - I'm a naturally secretive person who has no need to confide in other people and no difficulty in keeping things to myself. But I know that there is a whole side of my nature that has never had the chance to develop as I would have wished. Too bad - everyone has to make compromises in life, it's just not possible to have everything.

Why am I telling you all this? Despite the obvious differences, I think that in some ways your situation is not too different from mine all those years ago. You live in a small place where the opportunities for a gay man sound like just about zero. You are not content with your life as it is, and you need to get a grip on it. As I see it, you have two choices: (1) make a clean break with your present life, move to Portland or somewhere where there is a gay community, and become part of it. Trouble is, that's easier said than done. It sounds as though you do not socialise easily, and you don't drink (not even coffee, for god's sake) which limits the opportunities for meeting people. The alternative is (2) stay where you are, and make the most of the opportunities that you have. From what you say in your journal, it looks as though this can only mean starting to go out with your ex-girlfriend and seeing how things develop. This means making a deliberate decision, as I did, that your sexuality is not necessarily going to be the main thing that rules your life. It means that your life will always be incomplete to some extent. But it might just be a noticeable improvement on your present situation.

I'm not saying that what was right for me will be right for you. And I'm certainly not saying that I made no mistakes. I did lots of things wrong, and in particular I know that I was wrong never to tell my wife that I'm gay. I came within inches of it once or twice, but the opportunity never seemed to be quite right. It's too late now, and it would do much more harm than good if she found out that I have been concealing something this important from her for all these years. If you do start dating the ex-girlfriend, you need to be open with her. You don't necessarily have to tell her everything straight away, but you need to make it clear to her, as soon as the opportunity arises, that you are not str8. If she can't handle that, then she's not the right person for you anyway. (But it sounds to me as though she has already guessed it.)

[Digression: I have read so many gay online journals recently that I can't remember which is which. One of them (Troy's?) makes a big point of differentiating between "gay" and "not str8". I think that is a very important and useful distinction. It is possible for a person to be quite sure that he is not str8, without necessarily wanting to identify with the whole package of lifestyles that goes under the name of "gay".]

Of course, many if not most gays will be outraged at what I am saying here. After all, the whole gay movement is based on the belief that a gay man can only find true happiness and self-respect by coming out as openly gay. What's more, the successes of the gay rights movement, and the fact that society as a whole is a bit less anti-gay than it used to be, is entirely due to the bravery and perseverance of thousands of individual gays who have come out in this way. I accept all that. You only have to read the gay online journals to see the effect that coming out has on most young gays. You can see them walk taller, and you can feel the pride and sense of esteem that it gives them. I firmly believe that for the great majority of young gays this is the right thing to do. I have enormous admiration for their courage, and I wouldn't want to say anything to undermine what they are doing. All I am saying is that a few people, and maybe that includes you, may find themselves in situations where this is not the best thing for them. Perhaps my attitude is cowardly and selfish. Let's face it, it is. But for some people, in some situations, self-preservation simply has to come first.

I have gone on for far too long. As you can see, your journal has started me thinking about things in my own life that have maybe lain dormant for too long. But it has been helpful to me to write this down for the first time. Ignore it all if you don't find it helpful to you.

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