First off, I don't Wannabe anyone but myself. And that is what I'm getting out of this Journal. There are things in this journal that I've not told anyone before. Things that I felt people would hate me for if they knew of them. Things that have been eating away at me for years. Things, that I'm finding aren't as despicable as I thought. Cause here they are, and I've made some friends with people who know these secrets, and don't care, or have even had similar experiences. That in itself is the best reward I've gotten from this journal.
Next off, the 3+1. The only one of those that I read is the +1. The others don't impress me. I've visited there pages, all total, enough times to count on one hand.
When I started this journal, I felt guilty for copying Troy. But I saw what he got out of it. He connected with people. He was able to discuss things about himself that the real world make us feel like we need to keep hidden.
In our lives we copy people. We start out as a child learning from others, adjusting our actions and views by what we see others around us do. We evolve ourselves that way. Sometimes for the better, sometimes for the worse. But we live, and we learn from others.
So here we are. Journals popping up everywhere. What do we need other journals for? I'll tell you. Journals aren't an object really, they are an extension of an individual. Each Journal has it's own personality behind it. Each Journal has it's own journey being taken in it, whether it's exploring Bisexuality, or learning to be oneself, who cares? If you want to read it, that's your choice. If you want to help that person learn from your experiences, then do. If you want to claim that it is your idea and that others are copying you, that's up to you, but your missing out, and missing the point. Journal's are a great way to find oneself, be oneself, and to help others achieve that for themselves.
So, in closing, for those of you who stared this. Thanks. Take pride in the fact that you've started something good. But don't complain because others are doing it too. Instead, why not pass on what you have learned. Help others achieve what you have gotten. Make yourselves apart of the evolving world of On-line Journals. And in the process, you just might find yourselves in the process.
So that's my two cents, from the "Wannabe" from the edge of nowhere!
Monday, February 23rd - I Didn't Wanna Hear That!
Saw mom on Saturday. She came by to drop off a bottle of "Apricot Brandy" for grandma (her favorite. Smells terrible, like paint thinner. I'm afraid with grandma sitting so close to the fireplace she will burst into flames (she keeps the house a constant 350.) So anyway, we had a good talk. The only look she gave me was when she mentioned she had a client who works a local Antique store (there's only about a 100 in the area), who's daughter "wasn't sure which way she was going to go, if you know what I mean. *wink, wink*" She said after that, that I should go talk to her mom. Oh yeah, that's a good one! "Hi, I'm Jo's gay son, I hear your daughter thinks she may be a lesbian."
Headline reads: Man 28, Slain With Antique Chair!
But anyway, I'm going to take her to see "Sphere" on Tuesday.
So as you probably have noticed, I finally learned to do those links to a certain part of a document, so I'm going to try posting updates the day I write them. At least till I royally put my foot in my mouth, then I'll go back to editing what I say before I post it. :)
Scanner is working. I accidentally stumbled on a program (while looking for something else) that can run the scanner and can actually find it on the computer, so there is a picture of me when I was cute, age 8, located in the new section "More than anyone would ever want to know about me" linked to from the main page. More pictures of me will be coming soon (sorry no nude shots, believe me, I don't even want to see me naked). I just have to get up the nerve to go to my mothers house and snitch the pictures. The most recent picture I have (which will never see the light of day again) was taken of me last summer. My boss (the one from France, daughter of the owner) came back after we had just done 230 dinners (the new record) and without me seeing the camera she called my name like she had one of those annoying-little-time-consuming-jobs-that-I- didn't-have-time-for. I was of course already crabby, here I was scrubbing baked on fish off of these terrible dishes while my helper was out having his 20th cigarette and she had some trivial job for me that was most likely someone else's job in the first place, so I turned around to tell her to go ask my helper to do what ever it was she needed, and was greeted with a blinding flash right in the middle of my vision. So anyway, you'll have to settle for pictures of me from about 4 to 6 years ago. Sorry.
So, I was awaken this morning to my ass-hole uncle (the one who want's to put grandma in a home and is father of my cousin the cop) asking my grandma if my brother "was still engaged to that girl."
ENGAGED!!!!! Shit, I didn't need to hear that! Course that's probably what everyone else thought, so that's why I never heard of it till now. Well, needless to say, that has set me back a few steps emotionally.
Last but not least, A happy ending!
Okay, not really, but cool none-the-less! So when I posted that thing about the Loreena McKennitt CD, I figured who is going to care about it, much less write me about it. Well, I got an e-mail last night from a guy who not only knows what I was talking about, but has stuff on his site about her. I tell you, the internet never ceases to amaze me.
Wednesday, February 25th - An evening with mother!
And what an evening it was! Sheesh, where to begin.
Well, let's start with what we know of my mother. She likes to be in control of every situation, to plan peoples life's for them. Well, that's true. When I first came out to her, she immediately started planning my next move. But then, she stopped and distanced herself from me quite abruptly. Leaving me to fend for myself.
Now I know why! She didn't know how to help me. She didn't know what she could do to help me to be me. And so she had to get away. So, now that I'm starting to get to be me, she can return, which is exactly what she has done. We went to see "Sphere" tonight. Grandma stayed home, and me and mom had the best talk we've had in almost a year. She's so exited about the journal, and me meeting all you guys. We talked about me being afraid to be happy, and she told me that she has the same problem, she's just a little further down the road to getting over it than me. Acording to her she didn't have a problem with me being gay, she had a problem trying to help me be gay. Okay, that doesn't sound right, but it's the only way I can think to explain it.
GREAT NEWS! My brother isn't engaged to that witch! He was, but he started to see all those problems she had and had to get out of the relationship. All those problems that me and mom told him were there in the first place!!!
Remember last month when he came to eat at the restaurant where I work? Well, that night, he told mom that when he saw me that he realized that "Scott's still the same guy he used to be," (Shit, I'm crying again!), and that he "misses me terribly!" and he started crying.
According to mom, the main reason he distanced himself from me wasn't because I was gay (evidentaly he hasn't got that much of a problem with that as it seemed to me, but she said it was that I talked to people at work about how he was acting, and that hurt him that I went behind his back to talk bad about him. Which isn't what I did (but it's what mom is convinced I did, and she backed that notion up for him.) What I did, was I needed someone to talk to, to figure out why he was doing what he did (and I couldn't go to mom cause she had her mind made up that I was guilty already). Even without telling them I'm gay, they still could see that he needed to find out who he was. I guess I just needed to find out if me being gay wasn't such a big part of the reason for his actions. They were the only people who wanted to know what was up with me. I changed from a rather happy person looking forward to moving and school, to a depressed person who looked like I hadn't slept for a hundred years (which is what it felt like). I wanted to tell grandma, cause she knew something was up, but to involve her would have caused her to become sick, which she was already, so it might have pushed her to far, and that's the last thing I needed.
So, that's where I am now. Mom is back. Brother is coming back eventually. Im seriously considering sending him a letter later today. I don't know, it may be to soon for me. It may be to soon for him. And there's always the possibility that this is all in mom's head, lord know's that's a very distinct possibility. Course, a lot of, if not all, you guys that have wrote me about my brother have told me that you think we'll get back together, so maybe I should consider it cannon. Or maybe it doesn't matter. Maybe both of us is waiting for the other to make the first move. If so, he's to stubborn to do it, so it's up to me.
I'll leave you with this thought for now. It's from the inside cover of Loreena McKennitt's album "The Book Of Secrets" (How appropriate is that title?)
Saturday, February 28th - Yep, mom is definitely back.
A strong wind rushes through the trailer park. Peoples belongings get thrown about. Lives are forever changed.
No we're not talking about the recent hurricanes, were talking about my mother (actually her dogs tail knocked my stuff off the coffee table, not her). Seems my mother had a nice talk with her hairdresser today. Seems he has a friend about my age that "I'll just love *wink wink*" as my mother put it. She's setting me up (actually she's taken a step beyond that, she is getting me a makeover)! I'm not ready to date yet! Aaaaah! I wanna take those "Babysteps" that Rotti keeps talking about, actually I don't think I'm even ready for those. Not this! No, I'll do it. If nothing else, I'll get a chance to make a friend. But it's going to be weird. I mean this is the first time I'll have met someone who's gay and know's I'm gay too. Oh shit! I've got to start doing sit-ups or just stop eating, something, anything to get rid of this spare tire (my Prehensile Stomach). Just in case. ;)
Turn This World Around
By Keith Thomas, Amy Grant & Beverly Darnall
We are all the same it seems
Behind the eyes
Broken promises and dreams
In a good disguise
All we're really looking for is somewhere
Safe and Warm
The shelter of each other in the storm
Maybe one day
We can turn and face our fears
Maybe one day
We can reach out through the tears
After all it's really not that far
To where hope can be found
Maybe one day
We can turn this world around
Who can trace the path of time
Not you or me
The twisting road we call our lives
We cannot see
The hunger and the longing that everyone of us
Could be the bridge between us if we try