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February 16th to the 19th 1998

Monday, February 16th - PM
I started a new resource section on the main page today, called "Readings From The Edge Of Nowhere" (of course). I'll be putting "reference material" type things on that page. If you know of any articles or pages on the web that might be relevant for that page, please let me know.

So I knew this was going to happen. What can I say, my mother is notorious for flaking out at the last minute. As you may or may not know, we were supposed to go see "Sphere" tonight, but she called it off an hour before we were to leave. To bad I didn't bet money on it. :)

"Sphere" was better than I thought it was going to be. If you've read the book, you know it would be a hard one to pull off, especially the ending. Well, I think they did okay. As far as I can remember, they followed the book pretty close. I usually don't care much for Dustin Hoffman, but he did good in this role. Samuel L. Jackson (who will be appearing in the STAR WARS Prequel for those of you who have been hiding under a rock), Sharon Stone, and Peter Coyote, did good too. I thought Queen Latifa would be in it a little more, but she wasn't. For those who haven't yet seen it, Heuy Lewis is the helicopter pilot at the beginning. They kinda fussed with the ending to give it a sort of "Grand Finale", but it didn't detract to much from the movie.

Got Loreena McKennitt's "the book of secrets" CD today. I'd heard "The Mummer's Dance" on the radio at least a dozen times before one of the DJ's actually announced who did it and what it was called. I was in the car and had to pull over and find a pen to write it down before I forgot it. I noticed that she had a few more albums, does anyone out there know if they are in the same style as "the book of secrets", you know, the Celtic type thing?

Well, enough reviews, TTYL!

Tuesday, February 17th - AM

"Sister Kate" theme - By Amy Grant
Don't look now,
But things are changing,
I guess they always do.
Every cloud has a silver lining,
It's gonna shine on you.
When nobody knows how hard your trying,
Seems like there's no one to rely on,
Maybe an angel will appear to you.
Outta the blue
Just look around and you might find,
A friend that you never knew.
Maybe an angel is watching over you.

[E-mail from Jer (not the one with a journal)] - "Yes, you could've ended that last email on a happy note!!! Why didn't you? I feel like kicking you in the ass. Things don't always have to end on a down side and you don't always have to expect something "bad" to happen.

[Me] - For some reason I think if I enjoy something too much, if I look forward to it's continued existence, if I appreciate it too much, it'll be taken from me. I don't know why. There's got to be a reason for this stupid behavior.

"That's what I mean. Start looking only at the good things going on guy. You are making friends, you are getting people interested in you, you are growing.....these are good things. Love it!!!"

I know, I do. That's what scares me. I don't want it to end. Shit, I'm on the verge of tears here. Where is that coming from. Jeez. This is weird. I never realized how afraid I am to be happy before.

PM - Life Lessons
What a weird sensation. Suddenly all those e-mail's became real people. First off, I got a CD from Bruce for doing some graphics for his site (If you haven't checked out his site, shame on you!) Something tangible came from someone I've been talking to for about a month. But it wasn't until that moment when the CD was in my hand, that he suddenly became real. I know that isn't coming out right. But maybe you understand anyway.
Then I got the above e-mail, while I was dancing around the house to my new CD. I read it, and immediately wrote a snide remark "even quoted Yoda" and went to save it to finish later, but accidentally erased it in the process (I hate Windows 95). So after giving it a little thought, I started the letter to him again. Well, you can see the results. Here I went from the happiest person in the world (CD's and New STAR WARS Action Figures make my day), to the verge of crying. It never dawned on me that I was afraid to be happy before. It explains a lot though. Why I don't seem motivated to chase my dreams, why I don't like to excel at those things that I have a talent for, etc.
But later that day I got a letter from another of my friends on the net, and he told about the problems he had with his son, and how similar it was to my situation with my brother. And again, tears. Actually this time I did cry a little. (Chris, please don't send me an apology letter for this one too, I'm fine. :) See, I'm smiling.)
So anyway, the grand finale of the day was a 3 hour chat with Larry (Again, if you haven't checked out his site, your missing out.) He has some of the most interesting stories. I swear, he's my soul mate. We think so much alike, we've had so many similar experiences, sometimes when I'm answering one of our daily 8 page e-mails, I can't tell if that was me that said that or him. And to think, I felt so alone less that a half a year ago. Until that night I found this page by a guy named Troy....
Oh, speaking of Troy, right after I got done chatting with Larry, I ended up putting my foot in my mouth in front of Troy (I'd get after you for not checking out his site, but that is probably where you just came from). I hope he isn't to mad at me. Sometimes I can just say the wrong thing without thinking. But hey, I can't help it, it's a family trait! :)

Wednesday, February 18th - Re: Music Lessons
Picture it, 1977 or a little later. (Sorry, to many "Golden Girl" reruns.)
Grandma talked mom in to letting her pay for me and my sister to get piano lessons from my mothers old teacher. I hated it right of the bat. Practice was boring and grueling. I did however learn to play songs by ear. It shocked the hell out of me and mom how easy I could pick out tunes. I taught myself to play the theme to STAR WARS first off. They made me keep taking lessons for I think two years, but I just made the teacher mad because I couldn't stick to the rules. Meanwhile I developed my own way to get around playing the bottom hand, which I to this day, I still have a hard time reading. Instead of playing the notes given in the music, I play the 1st, 5th, and octave notes of the guitar cords located on the top of the music. Doing that I got real good at site reading. Although to many sharps or flats screw me up big time. Actually I can play real good with all the sharps or flats or just a few. But the half way between screws me up. I even got away with it playing that way in Choir in high school for my senior year.
My sister on the other hand excelled at playing the piano. Her problem though is that she doesn't put any feeling, any mood into it. The only volume she can play is loud. Almost like she is getting out her aggressions on it. Which she may very well be. Her temper has never been tempered so to speak. And I've got the stab marks from the Ginsu knife, in my bedroom door to prove it (actually we don't live in that house anymore.)
Oh, stage fright was the worst. It wasn't so bad when your stuck in the band, but the piano player always get stuck off to the right on his own. But my fingers seemed to come through ever time. I've worked on my stage fright since I was little, by daring myself to preform in things. I even lead a songs all by myself at camp one year at dinner. "Boom Boom, Ain't It Great To Be Crazy" was the name of the song. I forgot the verses when I got up there and after every verse I started to walk off to go sit down, but everyone screamed "no there's more". It was so funny, I got to giggling so hard I couldn't sing and everyone thought that was funny too. But it was fun. It's one of my favorite memories of camp. All the counselors complimented me, and even the park manager was impressed. Talk about pride.
Well, at the restaurant I work, on weekends we have a guy who comes in and sings folk type music and played the guitar. Well, I let it slip one night that I used to sing solo's in choir, so he said I should come out and sing some night. The waitress who does my cards, sings "Leaving On A Jet Plane", so since I have listened to and sang along with him while I was in the back room, for the last 10 years, I decided to pick a song. Unfortunately back in the back with the dishwasher going right next to you, you cant make out most of the words, and most of the time you cant even hear the music. About that time UB40 did a reggae remake of the Elvis Song "Can't Help Falling In Love With You", and I heard it enough I learned the words. Well, that was a song he does, so I saw one night that the Bistro where he sings was empty except for my boss and him. So I went out and asked if he wanted to do the song. He said yes, and started playing. Now I've known both of these two for a decade now, and neither of them had ever heard me sing. I figured no sweat, They are like family almost. Well, I forgot the words. It was like I was 3 again. I even forgot to breath. Moral of the story: Stage fright takes practice to keep it away. I've sang at the restaurant a few more times for audiences of slightly more each time, and it's all coming back to me now. Now that everyone there knows I sing, they talk me into doing it more often than I really want to, but it is fun.

Thursday February 19th
Well, my boss checked out my other website. She asked why it still had Christmas stuff on it, and I said that I haven't worked on it in a while cause I'm having to much fun with my On-Line Journal. So she started bugging me for the address for it. She said she want's to see if I have a dark side. *VBEG* Good thing I can't remember the address yet. ;) Which brings me to my questions for you guys. What do you think? Would it be cruel to come out to someone by giving them my journal address? Sure it saves me having to see there reaction and everything, but wouldn't it be kinda mean. I'm so tempted to just link my other site to this one and be done with it. Let them (my friends and a couple of relatives) find out that way. Who gives a f*ck. If they can't handle it, I just won't see them or hear from them again. It's easier than telling them face to face. But not by much.

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