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DECEMBER 1998

Thursday, December 3rd
     I went and saw grandma on Monday. My uncle and mom wanted me to talk to her. I couldn't. All I could do when I tried was cry. I could talk to the other people in the room, but not to her.
     When my mother talks to her she did open her eyes and she turned her head and looked at my mom, then turned her head the other way and looked at me, then at my uncle and closed her eyes. She only does that though when my mother talks to her.
     I wish I hadn't seen her like that. I don't want to remember her like that. She reminded me of a poorly done animatronic puppet of my grandma from some low budget sci-fi movie.
     They moved her out of ICU and into the Progressive Care Unit. But she had a "bad night" Wednesday and evidently slipped further into a coma and isn't responding to anything now. According to my uncle the doctors don't think she's ever come out of the coma due to the fact she probably has a blood clot lodged in the brain stem.

     Me and Sara found the paperwork on the car last night. I had forgotten that grandma had had me sign all the papers. So the car is already mine. Always has been. And I've got very good credit at that, after paying off a whole car. :)

     How am I doing? Well... I'm doing. I'm so sick of telling people asking that, and how she's doing. Each time I have to tell people how she is, I have to distance myself from the information, almost like explaining the plot of a movie I didn't like, to the other person, just so I don't cry while telling them.
     I brought home boxes Monday night to start packing. I felt so mad at myself. It's like by starting to pack I'm giving up on grandma. Last night Corey and I talked about a January move, and I couldn't bring myself to commit to the date he wanted, the same feeling came over me. It's like if I hold onto the thought of her coming home it'll happen, but if I don't she'll die.

     God this hurts.

Wednesday, December 9th - Happy Holidays
     So how is Scott holding up you ask. Any new news?
     The answer to both questions is "yes".

     Grandma is doing better. She actually spoke the other day. Only one sentence, but she spoke. She's not always awake or responding, and the doctors still don't have a clue as to what's wrong, all they know for sure is that she is well enough to go into a Nursing Home, maybe as soon as later this week. Good news right? Well according to my uncle: "That means that she will need to be enrolled in Oregon State Medicaid to help pay the cost of the care she will need. In order to qualify for medicaid Mom will have to sell her home and use the Money to offset medical costs....that's the law in Oregon. We can get Mom started on medicaid but we will have to start the house selling process very soon."
     Which means, I just got evicted.

     No prob. Mom's going to store my stuff, and I'm off to Phoenix as soon as possible. We're talking the first or second week in January. *crosses fingers*

     Seems a lot of people think me not going to see grandma is because I'm selfish or uncaring or something. Please don't think that. You know how hard it has to be for Gma to wake up and see how much pain I'm in because of her? Or what if, like several people have said, she's waiting to know I'll be okay. Do you think that's the impression she's going to get if all she see's is me crying over her? How's that going to help her heal if that's what she's wanting, or how is that going to help her pass on if that's her plan?
     And how about how it's going to be for me. The closure everyone keeps telling me I will need. How many visits is it going to take before I get that? Huh? What if I go tomorrow and a month from now she's still kicking? Does that mean that my closure didn't take or something? Do I need to go renew it? What if she does this for a year? What if I go and she sleeps threw my visit? Do I get closure then? Does she?
     I visited grandpa a lot of times when he was in a home. I hated every time. That wasn't him in the home. He was long gone. When was it that I got closure from him? The last time I went and saw him? I honestly don't remember anything about that time at all. They all blurred together.
     So when did I get closure from his death? I didn't get closure at his funeral. Or even the night he died. What happens if I'm in Phoenix when Gma dies? OR if I'm there and not able to go to her funeral. There's a good chance that's where I'll be. Will I not get closure then?
     My point is, I'm going to morn this one way or the other. Whether I see her tomorrow or not again before she dies next week or next year or years from now. The fact is I will morn her death. I already am. For the last two weeks I've spent hours, days, weeks, going over all the memories of her I can think of. The fun times we've had. The hard times. The adventures. The times she's been there for me. The times I've been there for her.

Thursday, December 10th - E-mail from my uncle.
We met with the doctor this morning to talk about Moms condition and where to go from here. The doctor agreed with us that Mom is not improving and maybe even slipping back into a coma. There has been no recognition at all for the last 2 or 3 days and she is only awake seconds at a time. We all agreed that it was time to let Grandma complete her journey to heaven in Gods own time. All life support functions were removed this morning at 11 am. The decision to remove life support was made after much discussion among ourselves and with the doctor, and after much prayer. We all firmly believe that this is what Mom wanted. Just remember that she will be going to a place where she can hear and see again, walk the beaches, and see Dad and all the other loved ones that have gone before. I know she was looking forward to that. She is a lady of great faith and God wont let her down.

Wednesday, December 16th
     Before I went to sleep on Monday night, I was laying there and I thought to grandma: Please don't hang on much longer. I hate to see you in a home, I know you don't want to be there. If your worried about me, don't be. I love Corey, and him and Sara'll take good care of me.

     The next morning, after a good sleep, I got up, made myself some French Toast, even made 3 pieces like I used to, two for me, and one for grandma. I ate almost all of the three pieces.

     Then, around 11 o'clock, I went into my room. And started packing. *EG* While watching "Men In Black" (grandma hated that movie *G*).

     Around 1 o'clock, Corey came on-line and we chatted for a few minutes on ICQ when I got an e- mail from my uncle. Grandma passed away at around 11. The same time I started packing.

     My first thought was: Get outside quick. I quickly dismissed that idea, then I thought to myself, sit down. Which of course I was doing already. So then I thought well maybe sit on the floor. A message popped up from Corey asking me if I wanted him to call. I told him I didn't know, I cant think. He said: Okay, I'm calling. :)
     After crying at him through the phone for a few minutes I felt much better. It helped so much to hear "I Love You" from the guy I love. Even at that distance it still melts my heart and makes everything okay. *HUG* I LOVE YOU COREY!!!!!!!!!

     About an hour later mom showed up. We talked about grandma and she went into grandma's room to find the one thing she wanted for her Box. That one special thing that to her will represent special memories of her mother. While searching for it we saw lots of grandma's life for the first time. Mom shared a lot of stories with me, and me some with her. I felt very good after that. Good thing too cause I had a party at work to go to.

     But before I went to the party I had to find my Santa hat. I swear I see it every day all year round, but come time for the party it's no where to be found. I did find it, but only a few minutes before I was to leave for the party.
     As I neared Sara's house there was a very large looking sun setting into the ocean. I pulled over and watched it for grandma. Said good bye to her and continued on to Sara's house.
     At the party Sara and I played Chinese checkers and ate the Chinese food and rocked out to odd Christmas music. I told the singer about her when I first got there and he passed around the news so only 3 people even asked me about her.
     I MCed the gift exchange game, like I do every year. People were so sloshed and loud that they couldn't hear me even with the amp. :) Oh well. It was fun and they were all so funny fighting over all the gifts. :)

     So.... Now it's time to start my brand new life. There's nothing tying me to the old one. Nothing left to do but cut the last of the strings and take off for the sunset myself.

Bye Grandma. I Love you. Thanks.

Thursday, December 17th
     Interesting side note, Grandma's death has prevented my brother from being shipped off to Saudi and got him two weeks off to spend Christmas with his family. Mom said the three of us'll spend some time doing Christmas stuff while he's here.

Saturday, December 19th

Christmas Conga
Written by Cyndi Lauper & Jan Pulsford

It's time to make the Christmas punch
Let's hang the streamers from the ceiling
Bring out the old cheer
Ring in the new year
And get that Christmas feeling

I wish you joy that never ends
Happy times with all your friends
Come on and hold my hips a little longer
As we do the Christmas Conga,
Bonga, bonga, bonga, bonga
Do the Christmas Conga

The old white tree still looks good
And Grandma's angels got me thinking
String up the new lights,
Brighten the cold nights
And get those baubles blinking

I wish you joy that never ends
Happy times with all your friends
Come on and hold my hips a little longer
As we do the Christmas Conga,
Bonga, bonga, bonga, bonga
Do the Christmas Conga

And then we'll put on party hats
As the year comes to a conclusion
Turn on the yule log
Spike up the egg nog
And break those resolutions

I wish you joy that never ends
Happy times with all your friends
Come on and hold my hips a little longer
As we do the Christmas Conga,
Bonga, bonga, bonga, bonga
Do the Christmas Conga

     You would not believe the day I had yesterday. :)

     I woke up early (1 o'clock) to do my laundry I forgot to do the night before cause I was talking to my fiancÚ on ICQ, and I always forget everything when I'm with Corey. :) Well I got to wondering if my brother were at my moms or at my sisters in Eugene, cause I never got any real answer about what was decided. So I thought, well, I'll call and see if they want my other VCR. Then I though, no, I tried that one last time and got turned down. Then I remembered the two freezers that mom and I had been trying to remember to clear out so there wouldn't be such a big electric bill.
     So I put my laundry in and called up mom and sure enough, I heard video game sounds in the background, so he was there, and I asked her if it would be okay for me to bring the stuff over and she said sure. *BG*

     So I got on-line real quick to tell Sara or Corey what I was about to do but neither of them were on yet, but low-and-behold, there was an e-mail from my best friend from highschool whom I haven't heard from since January. :)

     Then I went to my mothers and dropped off the stuff and my brother didn't even look up from his game, but mom assured me that he hadn't acknowledged her yet today either. *giggle* Well before I left a half hour later I had a date with him after work to hang out and play video games, and another date to take him to Eugene to go to dads on Christmas day. :)

     *dance* needless to say, I was major league hyper the rest of the day. *giggle* I conga'd all night at work (got the new Cyndi Lauper Christmas CD), and was surprised when I looked up and the clock said 9 o'clock already. :)

     After work, I picked up Sara, and we headed off to go see my brother. We stayed there till around 2:30 playing video games and just hanging out. It was cool, till Sara reminded me that Corey was probably waiting for me on-line at home! Oops! Thankfully he was still on when I got home to talk to him for about an hour and a half.

     What a cool day. I'll feel much better moving to Phoenix knowing that me and my brother are on speaking terms and not avoiding each other still.

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