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January 23rd to the 25th 1998

January 23rd PM
Went to see "Phantoms", alone. I really hate going to movies by myself. I got out of the movie, got in my car, and got a sudden feeling that someone was in the back seat of the car. There wasn't of course, but the movie really freaked me out. It wasn't really scary or suspenseful, but the imagery they used was eerie. Empty towns, corpses with there eyes open, strange quiet sounds, shadows passing in front of windows. Those things scare me more than any gross images they could throw at me.
There are nights I wake up and don't know where I am. Light from windows don't match up with where I think I should be. I usually panic at first, but then I remember where I am. All my dream still take place on the farm I grew up on even though we moved off of it over 15 years ago. I haven't completely unpacked all my stuff since we moved off the farm. No where I live feels like home. I live with grandma right now, but I know I will either move in September to go to school or I might stick around till grandma doesn't need someone anymore, I don't know. I do know, this is just a temporary place to live just like everywhere in the last 15 years. I dread the thought of moving to yet another temporary place. I really long for the feeling of home. The comfort of knowing were I am, were I'm going to be tomorrow.
I despise living alone. Not having someone to depend on, to have depend on me. Someone who needs me, and I need them. Someone that will be there tomorrow, to make anywhere feel like it is home. Home really is where the love is. One can't exist without the other. I think that is why I still dream about the farm. There was love there in the beginning. Something that is lacking as of lately.
I had a point to this entry when I started, but it escapes me now. Sorry. Guess I'm just feeling lonely. And there is no end to that in site. If I stay here on the coast with grandma, there is next to no hope of a social life, but if I move, there's no guaranty I'll even get up the nerve to search out other gay people. I don't even really know where to look. I wish life had an instruction manual.

January 24th - noon!
We're having a cool storm. Wind, and thunder and lightning! I hope the power doesn't go out while I'm on the computer.
Just got my first letter addressing a topic from one of my journal entries. Thanks Tome!

My mom just stopped by to drop of a dish of grandmas. Conversation highlights included: Weather, dogs, vehicles, her plans to get a motor home and a canoe, and of course sailing. For the most part she talked only to grandma. She did tell grandma about this dinner she went on the other night with some friends from work. 3 of them were lesbians. She said she had a good time, then glanced quickly at me and changed the subject. I get this really uneasy feeling around her still. BTW - She still forgot my Christmas present (only a month late, that's not bad!). At least I got to play with her dog.

January 24th - PM
Just got back from seeing TITANIC for the 3rd time. My eyes still well up every time Rose gets on the lifeboat and starts to get lowered, and sees that Jack isn't going to get off the ship like she thought. My only complaint (besides a few miniature water effects that don't quite work) is here in Roses name said over and over during the last half of the show. "Come on Rose", "Jump Rose", "Run Rose."

Tome's last two entries have me a little worried. They are kind of cryptic sounding. After I read his entry for the 23rd I sent him a letter letting him know he could call on me to go chat somewhere when ever he needed, then after I sent that I visited his site and read his entry for the 24th, made two hour after the breakdown entry. I hope he is alright and hasn't done something awful. I'm just starting to get to know him. He seams like a real sweet guy. I feel so helpless not knowing if he is okay or not. Maybe I'm over reacting, I sure hope so. I hate having such an overactive imagination sometimes. Wanna know how worried I am, when that scene were Rose is hanging off the back of the TITANIC was showing, I wondered about Tome.
"I saw my whole life as if I'd already lived it... an endless parade of parties and cotillions, yachts and polo matches... always the same narrow people, the same mindless chatter. I felt like I was standing at a great precipice, with no one to pull me back, no one who cared... or even noticed."

January 25th - My second letter!
So I checked my email. 6 letters. Four were from the email robot saying some sites were updated. One was from a friend at work, and the last was from someone who's name I've never heard. Turns out someone went from Tome's site (thanks Tome where ever you are, hope your okay!), then to mine and sent me a letter (Thanks Bruce!). He was very in insightful.
When I put up the question about drugs, I knew that would probably get addressed by a lot of letters, but I still thought that I wouldn't ever understand the answers unless I gave in and did drugs (which will never happen BTW). Well the letter I got today opened my eyes. I won't go into it to much, as he shared an entry from his as yet unpublished on-line journal, but needless to say, he made me realize that STAR WARS is my drug of choice. I had heard people say that drugs were something to do with your friends, or something to that effect, but it never dawned on me that sense of instant acceptance through drugs, was also something I get on a daily basis from being outwardly a STAR WARS fan (we're starting to get called "Warsies". Great, just what I need, another corny sounding label). People I don't know, suddenly bond with me when they see my STAR WARS pins on my jacket, or my STAR WARS shirt and hat (they don't make those cool STAR WARS shoes in adult sizes or I'd have them too). And although STAR WARS isn't as dangerous as drugs, it is about as costly. :)
There is instant acceptance through drugs, alcohol and movies, but the list doesn't seem to end there. I've heard gang members and church goers say the same thing. The age old story of wanting to belong. Not wanting to be alone. Wanting to be loved.
This is why I started this journal. Until I found Troy's journal back in December, I felt like "a species of one." No one to relate to. No one to say they had been through something similar. It was just me, all alone. No one to ask the hard questions, or to bounce thoughts off of. No one to relate to. No sense of belonging.

To those of you who are reading this now: Thanks. Hope this helps you in some way, maybe even as much as it helps me. And most of all, hope to hear from you. Your not alone.

January 26th 12:04 AM
Tome's back and okay. You had me worried there buddy!

E-mail me!

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