On another note, Troy's Journal entry sounds like he's letting his page get to him again. I asked him in my last letter if "the advantages of a journal page still outweigh the negatives". Sounds like I got my answer. Poor guy, I hope he finds happiness off-line soon.
Last year was a killer for too many people, lets hope this year was worth the effort put into surviving last year.
January 2nd 1998 - Just My Average Day Off
Went to bed to early last night, I woke up wide awake at 3 A. M. So I got up and started this journal. Went back to bed at about 10:30 A. M. and slept till 3 P. M.
Took grandma "Emergency Grocery Shopping" and went to get my comics. Ate dinner and watched TV ("Postcards From The Edge" based on Carrie Fishers (Princess Leia) novel, was on (Prequel Rumor: Carrie Fisher may have been signed on to freshen up female characters dialog in the scripts)). Then I played on the computer till about 1:30 A. M. and went to bed after reading "STAR WARS: The Last Command" comic adaption issue #1.
Just a typical day in my life...
January 3rd 1998 - Ferengi Rule Of Acquisition #285
So I was in my grandma's bedroom taping up a printout of the STAR WARS trilogy movie posters that I made for grandma, and on my way out of her room I happened to glance at the counter were her sewing stuff is and glanced directly at a new picture of my brother in uniform. It didn't hit me until I got to the door that it was even him.
17 years and in less than a year I don't even recognized him anymore. It made me physically ill. I felt like I was going to throw up. But at the same time seeing him made me mad. Mad for what he had done to our relationship. Mad at me for even telling him the truth. Mad at the world in general for being so ignorant and passing it on to him.
TNT showed it's first Babylon 5 movie and the original 2 hour pilot episode back-to-back. It was interesting to see the Earth-Mimbari war from both sides. That show continues to amaze me. Plot arcs introduced in the first episode are just now given meaning or even getting new meaning. J. Michael Strazinski is such a fabulous writer.
Payday! Nice sized check (for me anyway). When I got my check I talked to my boss and she told me that when my brother was there for dinner the other day he told her he wasn't happy in the military. According to her he failed his English section of his tests and is going to be stuck in weapons instead of linguistics like he had wanted. What did I tell him? He's getting screwed over already. He told me he was guaranteed the education that he wanted and could get any job he wanted.
It doesn't make me any less mad at him knowing I was right, but I do get a little satisfaction in knowing he might be learning from his mistake. I still hate him for what he did to us.
Got up ready for an adventure. Got in the car and drove two and a half hours to the big city and went to see "An American Werewolf In Paris" by myself. Good, fun movie. CG effects left something to be desired though. I was impressed enough though to come home and rent the first one. After such a good sequel I figured the first would be better. It wasn't. I thought about turning it off and going to bed all the way thru it.
But over all it was a good day despite the fact I didn't find any new STAR WARS stuff on the shopping part of my trip. I was going to stop by my dads office and say hi, but I didn't want to ruin a fun day by accidentally getting on the subject of my brother, so I didn't. I'm on vacation, and damn it I'm going to be selfish and have a few days just for me for once.
Got the car serviced. We had them look at the drivers side blinker for the 4th time. The first two times they told me nothing was wrong with it. I guess it is just supposed to turn on and not blink? The next time they charged me $20 to change a fuse that wasn't burnt out. This time they said it was a ground wire or something. So far the blinker is working.
Went and saw "The Postman". 3 and a half hours! It was sort of like "Waterworld" without the water, "Dances With Wolves" and "Robin Hood Prince of Thieves" in the future, and "Mad Max" without the cars. The first half was slow and kind of boring, but the second half was very good. In a few parts I felt like I was watching a ruff cut of the movie. I would have tightened up the editing a bit to make it a little faster paced.
For some reason the Valentines decorations are getting to me this year, more than usual. Everywhere I look, romance is in the air. Couples holding hands. All my cousins and friends have been or are happily married, but I haven't even gotten to go on a date with someone I want to go out with. I haven't been in love since 1985, and I don't even have a crush on someone right now (well sort of one on Troy). I haven't even found Mr. Close much less Mr. Right (much less Mr. Dateable. What ever happened to the saying "all the good guys are gay?" They all seem to be straight around here).
Didn't go anywhere, didn't do anything. God I love vacation!
Went and read Tome's page. Seems like an okay guy. Seems to be holding back, but I can identify with that though. I find myself editing this page and I don't even know if anyone is even going to read this.
Got an E-mail from Troy. Even his "3 second" letters make me happy (god am I desperate or what). He wanted me to do a card reading for him. Now all I have to do is reel him in. *LOL*
Rented "Scream". Got to see if I want to see the sequel that is playing in town. Also rented "My Best Friends Wedding" for grandma. I'm hoping the subject of gays will come up again. I really need someone to talk to about this. When we saw "In & Out" we talked about it on the way home, and I was about to tell her then, but she said that she didn't like the was "they" prey on little boys. I told her that 90% of the child molesters were straight. I don't know if she believes me though, her best friend is into finding the evil in everything from government to gays. She even switched banks because it's number was 666 (I have no idea where she got that number). Once she brought a video over to watch on my VCR. I set it up so they could just put in the tape and it would stop and eject after it was done. It wasn't till I got home from work that night that I found out it was some sort of Anti-gay propaganda film. Made me sick. I almost felt violated. From that day on, my VCR is always going to record something that night.
Just realized Troy may have made an entry if he is answering mail, I was right. His friend Chris is starting to feel uncomfortable around him and it's starting to tick him off. Sort of like what my brother did. My brother was fine with me being gay at first, but by the end of the first couple of days he was starting to avoid me. I hope Troy doesn't let his anger drive him to publicly come out. He seems to level headed for that though.
The second half of his entry was him declaring that he's smitten with someone. Kind of made me jealous in a way, but I really hope he finds happiness (I kind of wish it were me instead though, but hey....).
Makes me wonder about the card reading Troy wanted me to do. What do you want to bet it was a reading of his new love interest!
Just got threw watching "Scream". I enjoyed it. All the in jokes and stuff made it worth watching. That song "Red Right Hand" (by Nick Cave and the Bad Seeds) was stuck in my head the last few days. I didn't know it was even in this movie, I heard it on my brothers X-files soundtrack (one of the very few songs I even halfway liked from either of the soundtracks). I'm definitely going to go see the sequel. I haven't heard good things about it but who cares, I heard they are working on the third one right now.
January 10th - Perpetually one
Just got back from seeing "Scream 2". I liked it just as much as the first one. Kept me guessing till the end, I like that in a movie. What I didn't like was seeing it alone. The movie got over, I left, drove home. Alone. It was a half an hour before I even got to tell someone what I thought about the movie and then she (Grandma) didn't have the slightest idea what I was talking about.
Sometimes I wonder if all of my chances for finding Mr. Right have passed me by. After all, if my best friend were gay or my brother wasn't related to me and were gay, they would have been perfect husbands. What if I never find anyone who is as cool as them. What if....
I got a call from my ex-girlfriend tonight. She wants to get together tomorrow. A few years ago she got a divorce from her husband, he was abusive. She told me once before that she has had a few gay friends, I don't know what will happen if she mentions it again tomorrow. I'm afraid it might hurt her if she finds out I'm gay because I think she still has feelings for me and may be hoping we will get back together but I don't want to lead her on by being her friend, and I don't want to lose her as a friend by being gay.
If only I were straight, we could have been married years ago. Her two sons would be mine (actually she almost died giving birth to the first one so I would have insisted we stop there). Her oldest son is even named after me.
What finally made me break that night me and my mom talked and I told her I was gay was her constant insistence that me and *Ex-girlfriends name here* would be so good for each other, something she has constantly pushed on me since I broke up with her back in high school over 10 years ago. Grandma had a big smile on her face when I told her we were going to get together tomorrow. She keeps telling me to have fun tomorrow. I know she's just bursting with the possibility of us dating again.
God I hate being gay sometimes. Actually I have yet to like being gay. I can't believe my brother thinks it's my choice to be gay. Who would choose this. I wouldn't wish this on my worst enemy.
January 12th 4:30 A.M.
Well, I cant sleep. I never sleep well when I have to wake up to an alarm. I just have this feeling it's not going to go off or something. Since I got this clock, which wakes me up to a tape, I have only been woken up by it twice in the last 6 or 7 years.
So I got up at 3:30 A.M. Figured I'd surf the net for a while before I get ready to go see my ex-girlfriend (got to be something better to call her than that). Turns out both Troy and Tome updated there pages.
The guy Troy fell for might go out on a date with someone else. It's ripping Troy up inside, he finally opens his heart for someone, and it got stepped on. God I wish I lived near him and could let him cry on my shoulder. Even though I'd wish for more, I'd probably not act on it even if I got the chance. But really I'd just be happy being friends anyway.
When I first read Tome's page I couldn't find anything to latch on to, something that drew me to him as a person. I didn't feel a connection like I did with Troy. Well, now I do. He stated that he hangs on to his friends (all four of them), which is something I do to. This summer when I met up with my best friends mom, she told me she remembers that I don't let go of people who are close to me (examples, my brother and my best friend, even my ex-girlfriend). I don't use the words best-friend for just everyone. They have to be someone I love so deeply I can't imagine living without them. So far I have only bestowed it upon 4 people. One guy I haven't mentioned yet (whom I haven't seen nor heard from since graduation night), my brother who is no longer on that list (the trust factor is gone between us), my best friend since 2nd grade, and my ex-girlfriend.
He also stated that his emotions are draining both physically and mentally. I don't know if that's such a rare thing, but it certainly holds true for me too. All of last year I felt drained physically just because of the whole brother thing. I literally had a hard time finding the strength to get out of bed in the morning. Food tasted bland, music sounded dull. Enjoyment was nowhere to be seen and is only now starting to leak back into my life, thanks in part to Troy for letting me know I'm not alone on this hell hole of a planet.
January 13th, 1 AM
So me and my ex-girlfriend were walking through WAL*MART and she starts talking about the three gay people she works with. One is a lesbian, the other is "obviously gay", and the third she wasn't sure about. She said she wants to go up to him some day and ask him if he has a girlfriend and she said he would probably say something like "Yep, his name is George or Fred or something like that."
So what did I say? Did I tell her she new another gay guy too?
No. I chickened out. I didn't add to the conversation at all. I just listened to what she was talking about and waited for the subject to change.
Besides she drove us to WAL*MART. What would I have done if she freaked out and left me there? Well actually my dad works about 5 blocks away, so I could have walked over and gotten a ride, but try explaining why she left me there. Besides WAL*MART isn't exactly the best place to come out. According to "Ellen" and "Mad About You" your supposed to take people out for Chinese food when you come out to them. Which by the way she said she was hungry for about 15 minutes latter. Maybe that's what I did wrong when I came out to my mom and brother, no Chinese food.
This is the first visit we've had that I didn't feel like she wanted more from our relationship. It felt comfortable, like two friends meeting after a few month, playing catch-up, getting to know each other again, which is what it was supposed to be anyway. I wonder if she knows or even just suspects I'm gay and bringing up the subject is her way of giving me a chance to come out to her. Each time we get together, the subject seems to come out of nowhere at least once. She doesn't seem to demean gays, but does regard them as different from the rest of the population. I got the impression from this visit, that she may actually be able to handle me being gay. Not only that, she might be supportive, which is what I really need right now. Or maybe that's the point, I really need someone supportive and so I'm looking to hard to find someone that fits-the-bill, "looking for love in all the wrong places" if-you-will. *Any more bumper stickers I haven't quoted yet?*
January 13th - 5 AM
Just joined up with Tripod (where Tome has his journal). I'll be posting my journal there soon. I just have to find the nerve to do it.