January 19th to the 23rd 1998

January 19th - Insomnia
Stress effects me in a couple of ways. One way is, I seem to store stress in my back muscles. I can sometimes even tell what is bothering me the most by where it is the sorest. There's a spot for money, my grandma, work, stuff like that.

Then there is Insomnia. I go to bed, and my mind races with this thought and this thought, sometimes for hour on end. Or I'll go to sleep immediately and wake up wide a wake about three or four hours later. Ready to face the day (at least for a couple of hour before I get drowsy again).
I've tried everything (almost). Hot baths just seem to wake me up completely, and make my hair stand up the next day. Warm milk makes me nauseous, same with those decaffeinated sleepy- time teas (and any other hot drinks). Reading a good book just gives me something else to think about until I finally fall asleep. Grandma keeps offering me one of her sleeping pills, but I don't like taking pills. I don't even like to take aspirin. If my headache is that bad, I usually just take a half dose, one Tylenol (I'm allergic to aspirin).
Anyone got any more ideas! Like the song lyric above said; Nights are forever when you have no one, Nights are forever when your just trying to hang on.

Speaking of the song lyric above....
There has got to be some other way to meet guys other than bars or clubs. I really don't want to have to go to a bar or a club to try to meet someone. For starters, I don't drink and I'm not crazy about people when they've had a few themselves. My cousins wife wants us to go out sometime (yes her husband will be going too, I hope) and was excited to know I'd be the designated driver (with there driving I'd almost have to be drunk to ride with them again, much less after they had drank).
Plus, I'm not to fond of being hit on. The few times women have hit on me, I've felt very uncomfortable, more like an object in an auction than a human being. I can only imagine what it would feel like to be hit on by a guy. Not to mention me hitting on anyone. There has got to be a better way.

January 21st
Have I bored you to tears yet? Anyone still reading this? If not oh well. It feels good to just put-it-on-paper so-to-speak. I really don't know how to advertise my site, but actually this site isn't something I want to get to much main stream exposure anyway.

I went to Tome's site, he was talking about a discussion about gays in one of his classes. Something similar happened to me back in high school.
Every Friday in this one class (taught by my moms boyfriend (and no, I didn't take the class for an easy "A", in fact I don't remember getting a good grade at all)), we would discus a new topic. Well this particular day the topic was Homosexuality. Well I, being the shy one of the group who never offered my opinion, kept to myself like usual. I was surprised by the fact that some of the kids in the class that I thought would be the most closed minded or bigoted, turned out to be a little more open than I thought. One guy (who actually hung out in the group I hung out in) stated that there were several guys on the football team who were gay, and it didn't bother him at all. Of course my mind immediately started racing through everyone I knew was on the football team, but to this day I have no clue who was gay or not.
Toward the end of the conversation, the teacher turned to me and asked, in front of everyone, what I thought. All eyes were on me. And to this day, I cant remember what I said. Something like they don't bother me or something to that effect.
A year later I was in a class when one of the guys who was in that class that day (and who was in both bands with me, and had the lead in most of the plays at school for which I ran spotlights) and had graduated after the last year, came back to see that teacher, he even brought his new boyfriend! His ex-girlfriend, who was now hanging out in our group, (according to rumors) she went and decked him one for not telling her when they were going out the year before.

"So hold me in your naked eye and shoot me on the run"
Speaking of that class.... At the beginning of the year, when we chose seats, I sat behind this one guy who I had a crush on (who coincidently, was good friends with the guy I just mentioned). I sat behind him for several reasons. One, he had the most gorgeous body I had ever seen. His butt was exquisite, not to mention he had an incredible looking crotch. I have yet to see anyone fill a pare of Levis like him.
We were aloud to wear hats in that class, and it was the perfect cover for glancing up every time he got up or returned to his seat. (Hey, I was a horny 16 year old!) Two, he had the same first name as me. So every time the teacher would ask "Scott" a question, he, being extremely out- going would usually answer the question, taking the pressure off me. Well, one day, he came in and sat down, like usual. I was doodling or something, but did manage to cop a look as he came in. Suddenly, he turned around to me and said very loudly so everyone in the room could hear, "Damn my butt is sore! You must be proud!" I probably blushed a hundred shades of red, or maybe I flushed a bright shade of white, I don't know, but it was all I could do to keep from blurting out the only thing that came to mind, "God, I wish." To this day, I would give anything to know if he were gay or not. He was so, I don't know, perfect is the only word I can think of that fits. Occasionally I get out the yearbook and just sit and stare at his pictures. One picture even is a full body shot of him standing there in his Levi's, looking stunning forever. God I miss High school sometimes.

January 22nd
Saw the movie "Good Will Hunting" last night - Very good movie.

Before the movie, me and Grandma stopped by my cousins house. His wife got on the subject of my clothes again. Turns out she just wants me to get some "cool"clothes so she can take me clubbing (no, not little seals, going to clubs) in Portland (a 3 hour drive, I doubt it will ever happen). She asked me if I've ever hit on a girl. Of course I said no. Actually I've never hit on a guy either. She said the funniest line a guy ever used on her was "Hey, wanna get with a nice black guy like me?" She said maybe that would work for me too. I laughed and jokingly told her that "I'm always looking to get with a nice black guy." ;) Everyone laughed even grandma.
She told my cousin to teach me how to hit on girls (that'll come in handy). He said something about how he doesn't know much about that, he found her right off the bat. She gave him a big kiss. Then he turned to me and said "see, just tell them what they wanna hear." He got slapped.

January 23rd
So I've got a question for you guys. I've never done drugs or alcohol (which I consider a drug). I have had a sip of beer and a taste of wine back before I was even 6 years old, and I didn't like the taste, and the smell still makes me nauseous (smells like paint thinner to me). I don't plan to try them. They just don't make sense to me at all. People say they offer an escape from there problems, but I still see the problems there, just ignored for a short time. The problem even seems to be made worse by ignoring them sometimes. Why do you do drugs? What made you start? What do you get out of it? Doesn't the lack of control of your actions bother you? How many of you don't want to stop doing drugs? Everyone I know that does drugs, seems to want to quit (excluding the drinkers, but including smokers).
I hope that didn't sound like me being holier-than-thou. That wasn't my intention. It's just a question that's been on my mind since forever.