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JANUARY 2001

January 18th, 2001
     Let's see if I remember how to do this. Been a while since I got real personal in this journal.

     So how is 2001? For me it SUCKS BIG TIME!!!! I put Corey on a plane yesterday. Since last July the bank we work for has been rescheduling a trip to Chicago for Corey. I say "rescheduling" cause every week or so they decided to push the date up a little more, or tease me with canceling it altogether. That and the length he has to be there has been changing constantly, ranging from four months to two or three months.

     For those of you who haven't read any of Corey's journal page, the last time he was in Chicago, at age 13, was not really a pleasant memory for him. In fact the nightmares of that experience have only recently subsided. Needless to say, Chicago is the only place on earth Corey never wanted to go back to. Now he's stuck there for a whole month... All by himself.

     It's odd. I didn't even realize I had gotten used to not being on the verge of crying until yesterday when I put him on the plane and then couldn't stop crying for more than a few minutes at a time.

     I haven't felt like this since I started my journal way back when, which not only seems like a lifetime ago, but also a life ago.

     The apartment seems so quiet, no matter how loud I have to TV or the CD player.

     My heart seems so empty, like 90% of my heart and soul left on that plane.

     I feel like I have to push myself out of my own mind just to get through without crying. It must show cause everyone at work asked what was up last night. Or at least the people that didn't already know. Most people know about me and Corey or are at least on the verge of knowing (they just haven't gotten up the nerve to ask that final question). It's cool getting to actually talk about Corey for who he is, my spouse... My husband.

     So far no one is all that shocked or even gives it a second thought. A few are real curious, which is cool cause there are still a lot of myths out there that people seem to cling to. Most people are more impressed by the fact Corey and I met on-line than the fact we are a couple.

     On the fourth of February the bank is paying for me to go visit Corey. See they pay for a spouse to either visit or for the person to come home for a weekend, and that includes "Domestic Partners". Which is cool, but still doesn't excuse them taking Corey from me for a month.

     I slipped the "Spouse" and "Domestic Partner" stuff into my last e-mail to my father (who still doesn't know that I'm gay and married to Corey). Let's see if that gets him thinking or if it just goes over his head like all the other hints over the years. He's probably so stuck on the reality he wants for me that he wont get it even if I tell him. At this point I don't care if he knows or not. He's not really that big a part of my life, and what part he is, he doesn't deserve as he hasn't earned it. The only reason we have any contact is cause I go to him every time.

     Other than the shit of being separated from Corey for a whole fucking month, life is great. Sure the job still sucks big time (all but the two of us in my section (originally numbering 9 people when I started)) have quit and the other girl I work with is pregnant and will be taking 3 months off here soon, so it'll just be me and the helpers of the day.

     But I've made some cool friends and that helps get me through the nights there. I've got a date with one (maybe two) of them this weekend to go see Cast Away at the local movie theater. Should be fun, and nice to get out of the empty house. Corey and I have gone to the movies with one of them twice already.

     Well speaking of work, it's time for me to go get ready for work. Catch ya later.

January 21st, 2001
     I wonder how much of me not being able to handle Corey being away is due to the fact that the last person that left me for a trip... Didn't come back. After all Grandma went off to my uncles for Thanksgiving and slipped into a coma and died.

     I'm not sure how much of my fears have to do with that or if they are just cause I realize you never know what tomorrow can bring, or take for that matter.

     Corey and I never miss a chance to let each other know that we love them. Life's to short, and it's usually shorter than you know at any present time.

     Went and saw "Cast Away" with my friend from work yesterday. The movie was okay. I feared the parts of the film that were going to be just Tom Hanks alone on an island as I wasn't sure he could be that interesting to watch. Turns out that was pretty good, but the movies ending SUCKED BIG TIME!!!!

     Spent today with Corey's mom. Had a fun time. We mostly went shopping, then ate dinner out. It's the first time me and her have done anything together with out Corey there. Wasn't as awkward and I though it would be. It's always interesting to hear stories about Corey, but from the other point of view. It's nice to be able to fill in some blanks here and there.

     Finally forced myself to get some sleep last night. After the movie I went home and went to bed at 8pm and didn't get up till 11am today. I feel a little better, though my stress knots in my back are still there. I doubt they will go away till I know Corey's home safe and sound.

     Down to NO TIME left on our cell phone. When I tried to add more time off the card I bought today it used up all the time that was left and I still don't have any time on it. I'll have to use the pay phone in the park tomorrow before work and get it all full again. The phone feels like my only link to Corey right now, almost like he's in the phone. When I drive I put it on my leg where he usually puts his hand. Makes me feel more like he's with me. I'd forgotten how much I hate doing things alone. I am definitely not a solitary person.

     13 days till I fly up to visit Corey. *sigh* That's way to far away.

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